Another month, still a big ? on the next!

Its AUGUST! yay! Next month,InshAllah, i start my new life in A university i still cant enclose!


Dude.. its a big ?. can u believe it. a month left and no process on fees and visa! I am so screwed.!
I miss the ease of being a kid and being oblivious to how hard the university process would be. Things seemed so much simpler when we were kids. A parent talking about money didnt mean much or how much it would affect yourself, a girl talking about her broken heart not knowing how bad her pain was cause u thought guys had coodies and the girl was crazy to go after one! HAhah.


I use to think differently. Since young, i was always crazy about guys. They were what i called my interest. I could never change that.. I have thought about being Lesbo.. not going to happen dude.. i am way overly boy crazy.


Moving on, I have been thinking about leaving home rigght? University. Big deal. Your kid is old enough to find her place in this scary place called the world. And I am excited, dont get me wrong, but... i am worried/scared. What if something happens to my family and i dont make it to them.? What if i miss out in the best parts? What if i dont survive on my home? What if i ruin my family reputation? what if leaving me on my own, i go out of bounds? what if i miss them too much? what if i hate it there? what if i need them around? I am feeling sick with worry. What if i fall horribly sick? I hate the worrrrryy! who will i turn to? my extended family members. Dude.. not at all. they will cause after of the questions listed above.
i am worried they will be tracking me while i am in university. 


MY FAMILY... i cant wait to leave but i dont want to go. but you cant have both! so i choose to leave with all the worry. Because i need to know who i am without them. I need to live. and nto worry about curfews and what they think about my friends. or about what will happen if their friends find me in a mall with guys! IMAGINE!haahahaha.. the talk. as it is.. i am known to be the worse of the daughters in the sense of not knowing my limits or so they say...but yet the most sweetest, native, respectable one! MY ASSS!!!


for now...


xx


a.a


"Wont go quietly"-example

Strong and Silent types

I threw a surprise for my friend and it was really fun. Including the fact that i didnt know anyone who were there except one. and that is also barely. The birthday girl was happy thou. So there were 4 couples there. Gay, uninterested ,interested and i-dont-know-whose-his-girlfriend couple! HAHAHAH. and then among them there was 5 singles. and like 1 guy who was. I realised i dont find guys who have girlfriends cute.  I tend to get over them quickly. This guy.. i THINK has a girlfriend somewhere.. he was on the phone texting most of the time. He is the kind that is silent..dont know whats going on in his head. and i am attracted to that for some reason. Is it me or these types are actually fun to be with? I mean thinking about it i have been attracted to those kinds. I like the guy tto be LOUD and open too .... its confusing no?
This guy was so uncomfortable when i sat down beside him.. I had to tell him to relax and question his sexuality. I even came out and told him he was cute. He relaxed but i feel the butterflies when  we look at each other. I am heck obvious when i like a guy. No point hiding it. and no point playing games. I just wont go upright and tell them.. Not cause i dont want to get rejected.. but cause some of them like the game of "whether she likes me or not". I try not to be too obvious.. but eh, so much i can do. 
OH.. and he has curly hair, big brown eyes. and he isnt hot or anything. but he is cute. in that baby way.
Or.. maybe it was cause i didnt know whether he liked me or not.HAHAH.. i am contradicting my words. But no.. I like the chase part and some guys do too but i make it clear when i like a guy. unless he is too insecure to figure it out for himself. or modest.


Oh well.. moving on. I didnt know anyone. So it was more of a social thing for me.  The thing is there were these 16 people in ONE group.. The whole big group effect. it looks awesome from the outside but as always there is some story inside. But i dont think i would mind the drama, just as long as i can be happy with 16 people getting along and enjoying a party. 
I loved being there. But these are my friend's group and i dont feel right even mixing with them later on. I know i think too much.. but lets see.. I HAVE NEVER WORKED OUT IN A GROUP.
The facts are all there. My high school friends... I hated what one of them did and people took side. we all may meet up once in a blue moon but we know whose closest to who. My college friends group.. SEM 1.. The fucker of a guy broke my heart and i broke the group apart as well as my high school friends group.. SEM 2.. The fucker of a guy was offensive to MY friend and i took a stand and told him he was being a rude asshole in front of everyone.. and i never hang out with his friends again. 


I am all bad luck in a group for sure. Never managed..So i rather be close to people from different groups...But i wish i could be in this group where its so big that not everyone is close but everyone is there for parties and surprises and fun. They played charades..I am not for that game but they made it fun. maybe cause it was such a huge group. 


Ways to stay in a group:

1. Your love interest is not in it
2. Dont get with anyone in the group
3. Be close enough to have fun but not to expect anything
4. Make sure ur best friends are in the group so u dont lose them and they know ur friends
5. DONT EXPECT THEM TO BE THERE WHEN THINGS GO BAD
6. Learn to not be a bitch to anyone you dont like
7. Be nice 
8. Dont be a headache.. whine/cry all the time/ drunk... something they ALWAYS have to take care of..thats for ur best friends.
9. Be open-minded.. u dont know whose in the group.

Besides that... I have no idea. 

But I narrowed down alot of it. May I find my group soulmates. ;)

xx

a.a

...

Its been some time since i wrote. cause honestly for the past
few weeks i have been so full of things to do. i made a huge
decision for myself. i needed to make it but.. there is always a
but as always. I felt something. A different kind of happiness,
the risky kind, the kind that made me think whether it will be worth
all the trouble and i cant help but think it might have been.

But I cant. I always do this. I guess cause when i was younger, the
guy I liked never liked me. So now that I have any guy I want, i go
for it. I have to stop cause some of them are just a bad mistake. I
know Z.T wont be but I cant bring myself to give in. I have in over
my head that if i get with this guy, he will change me and I will
be hopelessly into him. I am not the sort that omg, i want to marry
him just cause i feel so much for him. But i am worried that i will
be so into him that i wont be able to get myself past him and into
my potential hushband. I know he wont be for sure. I am just another
chick for him. Another one in his long list of girls he liked and
wanted. I was happy with just holding hands with him. He was too, he
said. But i am sure he'd want more and i would never have given in.
cause i hear are ecohes of my sister's words and mistakes. Never give
in to what the guy wants if you really want him. Date him, be with him
but never physically. I had experience that first hand when i got kissed
for the first time with the guy i loved but never loved me back. I am not
willing to make the same mistakes again. I see the power couple in us, I
see how much we will like each other, and how much he would protect me,
how much he will try not to hurt me. But i have no idea why. I just dont
feel right about it.

Maybe cause i will never figure out who i am if i get with him. Cause I
will change in a way to make myself more for him. I know i can potential
do that. I hate being the kind of girl that pretends to be the girlfriend
and i was that that night when i told him its not going to happen. He was
sick and i cared. I cared more for him then i cared for my actual boyfriend
when he was sick. It didnt make sense. Complicated. and I need things to be
simple right now. I really do. I need to enjoy myself with friends and learn
about myself. Its me I need to focus on. I  need to learn my weakness and
greatness before I learn about someone else's. What better way to do that over
your nine months break from studies and people and blogging about it.?
I know he understand where i am coming from, I just hope he knows i was not
playing with him or messing about cause I really liked him. I mean seriously.
He made my checklist.

We went out early morning to a yet to opened mall and just walked around. Holding
hands. It was those unexplainable moments. seems stupid but it had so much to it.
I always wanted to hold hands in the mall and walk, dont know why. But never did
cause i was scared an aunty would see. HAHAHAHA. so we walked in an empty mall, early
morning. It wasnt planned. It just happened. That was the best part. I was so caught
up with my parents and getting out of the house. I totally forgot about thinking what
to talk about and do. We went with the flow.

But i know it will never be enough. Not for me and definitely not for him. And I hate
worrying about that. I hate it. So i just called quits. I know we had potential of
working out til whenever if i didnt have the pressure of my parents and this prison
i call home. He was looking for something serious as well. or so he said. I just love
being single. I realised after being in one relationship. I hate stressing about the
other one and myself with my parents. Its too much and i relapse into my worse habit.
Still i relapsed thou.

I didnt cry in front  of him. It hurt doing what i did. To let go of something so beyond.
I was happy with the decision i made but not of what i had to let go because of it.
He doesnt need to know that. I will only confuse him. I didnt want to show how weak
i was with this decision and i promised myself i wont cry. But of course, the stress
and the whole i dont want to cry cause me to relapse and now i cant stop.

I just want to be able to know my future so i know later on in my life i know this wasnt
a mistake, that i will know i will meet him or someone like him, that i know where i am
going. WHAT IS MY FUTURE DAMMIT? I NEED AN ANSWER SOON OR I RIP MY HEAD OFF!

I am not saying i want to know where i am going, i want to know what i should do next?
I need to start my back up plan or not. So i can prepare my broken heart from my dream
university to that crappy thing. It will suck i know but it was what was written. I will
have to look at it that way. *sigh*

and my problem arent even proper problems. This stuff is easy. I know there are even worse
coming.

xx

a.a


"Rolling in Deep"-Adele


One of those quotes that spoke to me:

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.
He's only a friend, and nothing else
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he's just a bud,
But deep inside, you're falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself it isn't right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretend that you don't care.
It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish...

feminist or friends.

Where is the respect for girls that are friends.? How is it so hard these days that guys dont defense their just-girl-friends.? That when we walk on the street and some ass cat calls or start singing some cheap song, i dont see them giving those guys the eye let alone look pissed.  Indifference. But heck if you are their girlfriends, you cant even talk to your bloody guy friends. well, some of them dont like it. I am possessive best friends type. I get jealous of my best friend hanging with someone i dont like or dont mix well with but they get along with my best friend. So i am thinking that maybe i might be a possessive girlfriend. I guess i have never been in that situation. 


I hate the fact that guys just cant be alright with just keeping their opinions within themselves. I mean me and my guyfriends check girls out. I know thats degrading. but then we degrade the other sex too when girls check guys out.. so it evens out. 
I would never ask how they rate me. I dont want to know. 
Anyways, how can guys have in themselves to use a bad situation and make a rumor mill out of it when they are a girl's friends. All the girls friend. They ruined a friend's reputation to boost theirs. Thru false information. another word would be "extending the truth". 
its not that they are guys but cause they were friends of hers.
the world is out of gentlemen AND ladies.
I am not a lady. I am a feminist. i am soo after the equal rights that i make sure i go against what they want "ladies" to do. 




xx
a.a


"Killer"- Dev

No effing clue

My friend, L is having these rumors. I guess its within reasons. She did somethings that she shouldn't have. Not in front of people she cant trust just yet. this world is judgmental no matter what race or religion u are. Its just how humans think. How society thinks. How one person thinks and changes the mind of others. I know. I have been influenced. I have come in terms with how i think. People think its immature but i know i have valid reason behind it. Even if i don't exactly what i want. Little things matter. My constant theories and my need to understand everything just right is just my way to deal with everything. People may call that cautions. It is. Cause everything i do, is being judged my not people around me but higher power. My parents, Allah, my future. 

I wish i would just be able to read about everyone's thoughts so i can learn how people think. Cause i know my theories are just theories. I know guys are all not the same. But i also know that  the effect of falling for one or any would be the same.  How it affect me will be the same. To be with someone i have been in like for what 9 months will mean so much more than the 3 to 4 months i would be if i were to be with them. I think of it as a way to hurt myself rather than not trusting them. I am being selfish. But maybe not. Maybe what any of them are thinking is just me as a chapter or an option not their story or a priority. While they might not end up being my book but i rather not have them as a chapter either. Cause how many more chapter will i have if i continue to take the risk.? The question may come up on how can i think that it wouldn't become something big. I will tell you. CAUSE NOTHING IS EVER THAT EASY! I have never had anything easy and i never will. So if i want my book to reach its perfect ending with the worthwhile chapters even if its too little pages and a cowardly act.. i am up for it. If the chapter is meant to come into my books, it will cross the worlds and come back to my story. For now, i rather tell the story thru my instinct. 

My friend and even me are going thru such a phrase that we want to try things. To experience everything. She is facing with her consequences now while i will face them later. I know it. What will my excuse be? I know my consequences will be bigger than a few rumors being spread and a ruined reputation. I have a feeling it will come in later in my life to haunt me. What will i say? that i was young and stupid. Heck, if i was stupid i wouldn't have already known this.That what i am doing is stupid. There wont be an excuse. I did it cause i wanted to. I want to make my mistakes so i learn from them. I cant live in fear from everything. I have to bare with some mistakes. I just dont wish to make them with guys.

I am efffing boy crazy. I am,. I was since i was a kid, I know that is the one fact i have known since i can remember!  My post is mostly about them cause they are a huge part. My family is not in these post cause i cant tell the world about other people's, especially my family's, lives. My friends are barelty their cause they are barely any of them left around me. The few i have are all guys and hence the post. I notice alot of things from them. its like observing another whole creature. 

I always thought guys didnt reply to texts that we send hours later cause they wanted us to wait like they waited for our text. and i always thought i was just paranoid.  But i am not. They really do it.

I will go home and type out about the issue that is bugging me. 

xx

a.a

"Sofi needs a ladder"-Deadmau5

deadmau5

if you dont know that DJ, you suck and excuse urself and jump into the closest river.
but eh, if u are sane then i doubt u dont even bother about DJs.
these DJ party is effing crazy.. people wear sunglass at night to come watch these DJ spin. ;)
he is amazing or so i say by how much my muscle is hurting until now..
I wanna go these kind of DJ and just dance. LED lights and loud beats thru out the night. He made my top clubbing experience.


People I want to see that i will not miss if the chance ever rises again

1. David Guetta (obvious reasons)
2. LMFAO
3. PitBull
4. Rihanna

Thats it so far. they all planned on or already came but i missed them due to some sad reason. 

xx

a.a

"Strobe"- Deadmau5

Some feelings just cant be held down

I have been in love before. i know it was cause to me i did everything i could to be with him even as friends. go against my family's trust which i never did and saw these vision of everything i wanted and the comfort and ease of it out..not necessary the first love where they love u back. Nope. mine was brutal and completely painful, still is.

He didn't love me back and, I know how it feels to be on the other side. to love someone and not be loved back. so i am not going to into that. My reason to blog this late is that i have these amazing butterflies and goosebumps just thinking about this other guy.

I am in love again. i know its not same kind...  he is everything i like,he is cocky, funny, playful, good looking, charming, pakistani. and for some crazy moments in my mind, trustworthy.

But he is not. His main thing, hes a player and he makes me doubt he is with his words. hes sweet and thinks he is can get anything he wants. 

Thing is he likes me, thats all.! and that probably cause i am one of the few girl friend he never got with that he really wanted to get with. He will discard me once i fall for him. and i wont be able to handle that. i am just putting myself together now. to be broken again in the period of my college life..or post-college life, will be utter crap and completely stupid of me.

so maybe its not love cause even typing that word thinking of him now is making me want to puke but he is something more than like and a different kind that i have felt for no one else.

the forbidden kind.

I am hopeless. but my best friends are helping me turn myself off from him. i tend to get over some feeling after a silly discussion. and talking.. or as of now, blogging. 

xx

a.a

"Hold it against me"-Britney Spears

Different Mentality.

Interesting. Again. Men earn, Women sit home and give birth issue. How is it possible after all the argues and fights for equality, some people still think that. That after my parents spent so much on my sister to allow her to stay home and let her husband earn alone. I mean come on. 

Just now actually, i am trying to think about how my sister went thru all the trouble of holding a degree and then to have an OPTION for her either sit home and be stuck with her mother in law  or go to work and use her brains for good.I agree she is now a mother, she should look after her son. For that reason, yea. i agree with society. Look after your child. But my mum is right now pissed that my sis earning for her family and doesnt have time to take care of herself. Okay. So yea. She being lazy to take care of herself will get her into trouble. BUT when is it okay to come and say that she should quit cause her husband should take ALL the responsibility and earn for the family revenue. 

I just want her to be happy. If she is not happy with working, then fine dont. She is not the breadwinner. Right now they just bought a house. which for her age group is a huge deal and amazing investment but alot of weight on their shoulders, circumstances changes things right?

Anyways, I was driving the other day. i was wondering how i just manage to deceive people.. or atleast i think i did MasaAllah, but still whatever it is, they dont know me. The wild crazy me that my best friend know me to be. either that or i just recently lost it. Or they know but just also know that i am so down low cause of my parents. I mean i would hope into a car full of drunken friend...not the one whose driving of course,and head to freaking end of the world. I would go skinny dipping into my neighbour's pool if i were alone and if they were out. 

okay that isnt crazy for some people i have my limits. but my close friends dont think i can do that. maybe cause i wont tell them cause they tend to be the sort that wants the paki girl be the marriage material.

I am the sort that will spike the drink in my prom just so i can have fun with drunken friends. 

I just havent done it cause i never had a prom.which i just really want.

Proms...so cliche and i am far from it. but i love the idea of something as sweet as slow dancing with someone u really like and u looking fabulous in a gown. I would wear a long exotic coloured dress and make sure my guy get the same tie and i would be on the dance floor all night. just dancing with my man. I dont care about the queen and king. thats bullshit,. i would want to know the connection in this slow dancing. i know on grinding, which is immensely heated and hard core. ;)

weird, a world of strangers know how i am and not my close paki guy friends. best to leave it such.

xx

a.a

"Uncharted"- Sara.....something  

Things i wanna do.

There is plenty i wanna do when i go to university. there is things i cant do now without answering million of questions. i need to get to any university. I limit my time with friends. i know if i am go to any university away from home i would be able to do something crazy without thinking about getting back on time for curfew.

Like yesterday,my friends all rented a car and went to a place 30 mins away to a bar and then another hour's drive away to a hilltop cold place with a casino! and spent the whole night in the casino. and came back at 10 am. OMG. how much FUN!!!

its things like these. to do these random things and not to worry about how my parents would be worried if i dont come home at time. i told them to go ahead cause i didnt want them to hurry back cause of me. How annoying that would be.! 

Update if u care. Nothing much.

I went to watch a movie alone. Weird i know. But hey its a huge way to build personal development.  I thought i would give it a try. Its been hard to pull it thru without my parents suspecting something. Again it was about them. If people saw me alone what would they think? she got ditched on a date.! HAHAH..probably but they were like u are going to cut our noses off. I mean its me! going to a movie alone. instead of questioning why I am going alone they are worried about what people would think.? Doesn't it matter how i think too? How i feel about it all? 

Honestly, I have been thinking. I am immensely known by people i dont know. But i am alone as well. I have friends but those friends that i cant share my problems with or go for advise. My besties are all overseas and the friends i have here are not the ones that will come running when i am obsessed over this one problem in my life. these friends are not someone i would run to do anything. i miss my best friends alot. 

I am just lonely but not alone. I keep myself busy but what can i possibly do to not remember how little close friends i have. Its not just that. its my parents. they just ruin the image of my friends. i mean the things they say.. pisses me off. like how my guy friends are after me and how if my aunties see, they will think wrong. and i wont ever be able to get arranged with a guy. WTF?

My husband better fucking know how i am before marrying me. cause i aint easy to deal with if u get into it unknowingly. 

And omg. my parents think i am fking naive. Please. if i am naive. i would be already getting into a lot of shit. they think its my fault that i dont have any proper friends. tht what happened with my school friend was my fault. Yea right. if only they knew the whole story. 

They just assume and assume. Stop it!!

I wanna go to university already so i can miss them and come back home and be happy to be home. not depressed and caged.!

I love them but sometimes they get on my last nerves.

xx

a.a

"Broken Arrow"- Pixie Lot

 

I dont get girl's mind

i'm a girl. and i dont get my own brains.. its either my hormones or just my way of thinking.
But seriously girls are messed up sex. I am one i know. but i am telling u, guys are right. 


Lets lay down examples.
Lets call this girl i know. angel. She's crazy. She has this boyfriend of hers, not in her college but still in the country. so she has this guy friend of hers.. and they probably gone and done alot.. and they both like each other. i know the guy is whatever about it but it doesnt make sense why the girl who is so in love with this guy friend of hers wont leave her boyfriend for him. Maybe she knows that he is a player.. but then dont get possessive or dont show it when he checks out other chicks. Ruins my fun. I love it when this guy friend checks out the chicks around. its hilarious how much he can put to description as to what he wants to do with the girls legs.  I mean hello. its fun to listen to. I  love knowing exactly what a guy is thinking. actually not exactly.! but u get the point. anyways. angel gets soo bloody jealous. WTF?


Then there is me and my other friend. we both asked the guy to stop pulling moves and when he finally does, u are just shocked! WTF? i cant lie.. i am shock.. and wondering why. not upset. I mean i finally get my guy friend to be just my guy friend.. but omg. do i want him more when he is not chasing.? i know i like the game. that was known long ago. but come on! i am not going to after this guy like a loony. He said this thing how once he lets go and do what his heart tells him, he will always get the thing he was chasing after..after letting go. FUCK his theory. 


I am not going to allow myself to be that idiotic.. When everything is staring right in my face.!
its a game and i am not playing.


Anyways. I dont get my parents. Unbelieveable really. i mean i walk out of the house to get bloody starbucks. and they go crazzy. i mean dude. whats the big deal? i just went to the freaking hospital to the starbuck cafe to get a cofffee and chill with my friends in a public..not private environment. Do i have to give u every detail as to where i am going?  GOD!


i am still waiting as to decide where i am going. i am still waiting and waiting. 
i am going crazy. so crazy. that i am planning to start studying again. not a course or something. just WILLING study.. Yea right, right? 


Desperate time call for desperate measures.


xx
a.a

Never works out!

Gosh, i just wanna go clubbing. but when does it ever work out!

My parents gone to freaking singapore and i am bloody hell free to do whatever i want and guess what.. i cant! LOL. 

sucks really. or someone is stopping me!

eh... see how it works out. if my friend says no. then i cant do muchh.

oh well. :)

If yes, cab and PARTY! :)

If only they knew me

I am the sort of girl that hang with guys. I love the company of guys. The more the better. Cause one on one hang out never has its advantages. I want that one best guy friend and i am seeing that in Z.T now, he has stopped flirting the way he did. But the jealously is there when he and his other girl friend hang out. My possessive attitude over my best friends are yet to go.  


Now, I have met up with his friends. Such cute pakistani guys. Problem is that not only do they not fit my necessary category, they are those that judge major lots. Not like Z.T previous friends, these are those guys that would love that they have me hanging out with them, but behind my back talk bad. Or so i think. I am all for not caring. But now i am thinking about my reputation. I cant forever not care right. I have no idea what is written in my future whether it is arranged or love. My love marriage would Inshallah be one that understands how i am and likes me for me. I know some things i might do would not be acceptable but things i like, he would compromise.
But what might happen is not in my hands, these guys might be the reason i would never be in an arrange marriage if i cant find a love.
The world is too small.
I wanna be the respectable one. Its so bloody hard to be a girl. To get respect is so bloody hard to get and even harder to keep.
Hanging with them may degrade that but i cant make it more than that. I pull wrong moves. they will judge them.
Its time like these when i wish i was a guy..
I wouldnt have to worry about half of all these.
Or atleast, it didnt have to be so hard to be a girl. That society wouldnt gossip and think so much.
Thinking about how  easy it would be. This is me at 18 thinking about marriage! Imagine when i grow older. 
I see my sister in me. and that may be a good thing but it sucked the life out of it. Until she fell for the wrong guy and got it back.
I want her to be her but if she doesnt know it then how can she be.. She tries to be the girl the guy wants her to be. I wont allow myself to be that. I cant. she taught me how to see these guys. i can easily say Z.T is not one of them. Thou I saw his protective-ness


I dont think i will ever show myself to these guys. Cause my crazy thoughts are tooo much for them to handle.
and what will they do with them besides use it against me?


xx
a.a


"To the Moon and Back"- Savage Garden

These memories haunting

My memories are just coming back to me. These things i had put away for so long, almost forgotten. For the last two nights, i have had dreams about this guy, the one who is now dating my former best friend.

And now i cant sleep. Cause i just slipped into another memory about how we got into talking. I asked him for his email. i was 13! i cant believe i was strong or confident enough to do it. but now i remember, he was walking pass my table and i was alone. I called him over. and just asked for his email address. HAHA.

That email address lead to MSN chatting and asking for my number. From that to asking me out.

After the break up, i used that email address to stalk him unfortunately for a year or so because our whatever it was never got its closure. 

Today, i used that email address again. To email him. I am amazed that i actually did it.

I need to get closure, also get the answer to WHAT HAPPEN TO US? WHY WAS IT THAT WE NEVER WORKED OUT?

i need to know. i know or almost know why my last so called relationship didnt work from the guy's part except for him.

Now for the worse part, waiting!

I cant even be sure if he will see it or not. its his hotmail. Not texting nor facebook message!

lets see how it goes.!

for now. googling will do. :P

kidding.

bed.!

x

a.a

"what happen to us"- Jessica Mauboy ft Jay Sean

I just cant get enough.

I was thinking back to all the rude, bitchy-ness i did when i was younger, in high school. I realised their is a high to that. Weirdly, I missed it. But then again, I always became upset after that. I miss telling someone off for being rude to someone else, or cause they took my group's table. Made you feel like you have some power and intimidation advantage. To just pointedly throw a sarcastic remark!
I think thats why i fight with alot of people. cause i love the whole effect. 
Funny thing is after all that, i am an emotional wreck. I feel bad and intensely horrible for doing it.
except when the person really deserves it.  


Another part that came up in my mind, how i broke the ice with all these guys. I remember this one guy i dated.
Now, he is in a 4 year relationship with my former best friend. Anyways, so before we actually talked to each other. There was these amazing eye contact. Those that i had with Z.T before we official met.  Those are the best part of liking someone. The electrifying eye contact of some stranger you are attract and we are sort of making those shameless convo without the words. The butterflies in ur stomach cause u need to find a way to talk to him but too nervous too. I miss it. so much. omg. more than anything. It was the drive of wanting to do something to face my fear. And plotting and scheming. 
Back to the story. My first guy i felt the eye contact thing with, the butterflies was him. And we had those eye contact with him for most of the time. My group's table was few tables away from his gang. He was my senior so it was crazy to even think we would actual happen. For some reason the seniors and juniors never went well. 
So my ice breaker happen on my favorite day of the school year, Sports Day. Where I sat in the highest throne. It was early in the morning. We both were early and he was playing with his fingers as if he was playing her guitar. I took the shot and asked him. "Do you play the guiter?" It was so random , i caught him by surprise. Funny thing is that after that he felt so comfortable with me. He poked me in the side and teased me. Just by one random question. I dunno. I first time, when u know nothing about the person but u have this attraction. that even the slightest touch or being spoken to makes ur heart weak and ur stomach full of butterflies.


So yea. i miss those feelings. I lack meeting new people cause i am not in college.
I need to go out and about right. but i am content with where i am right now. probably cause i am lazy..so missing it is not enough for me to get out of bed.


I am thinking about how much i am finding out about myself writing this blog.
like how much i love power and everything about it.
damn the guy that has to marry me. hahaha


xx
a.a


"Nobody's Perfect" - Jessie J

Unknown Mysteries. (of course its unknown)

Its amazing how the littlest of things matters to me.
I was thinking about how when i dropped my ex,V to the airport.While i watched him walk away, he never turned to give a second glance to see me go.!
Does it really matter? Well, yea. Think about it. Whenever I turn to look back at the person I just turned away from, i am telling them indirectly that i care about them enough to atleast turn back after leaving to see whether they are going their way as well. There is a meaning to it. I cant explain it. All I can say is i want you to care enough to turn back to see if i am okay with you leaving. 
I had this thing when I was young, maybe unconsciously now too, I want the person I care the most about to turn around after walking away. There is something to it. If you cant get it, notice it next time. 
S.S didnt do it, Z.T doesnt do it and V never did.


I was also watching "The Adjustment Bureau". Its a really good movie. Makes you think really! What are the chances or what is written? I want my written path to include studying aboard. I know my life is already written. Its a known fact. But I want the chance to study in a place like Manchester. Please Allah. Listen to my prayers and send me there. 


I have been reading the true meaning of Qur'an. I want to gain the knowledge of all the stories and laws of my religon. Just to know, to understand, to have the answers to the so many questions i keep pondering over. Its says alot of things i never knew. Like how the "Jews" were actually Muslim at first but changed the laws and teaching of Prophet Mohammad  (p.b.u.h) a bit and cause of that changed the name and became a whole new religon. Made me think how much i still dont know about Islam.
I am the sort that at a teaching of something will try to contradict the teacher, not just cause its fun cause it bloody is, but cause i genuinely am curious.
Well, i questioned my aunty when she was telling us about how man have higher power in Islam! They do. Oh do they.! But still in front of all the other aunties, i kept going against everything she was saying, not cause i dont believe it. Cause i do, i see it all the time. 
but more for my understanding.. how i think and how she could correct me mainly.
DID YOU KNOW MEN CAN JUST DIVORCE THE WOMEN WITHOUT HER NEEDING TO EVEN SIGN THE DOCUMENTS?
So many reasons to be a guy right now. They can marry 4 times. Mainly to reproduce, not pleasure.. But this centuries have been misusing it. They marry for satisfaction!!!!


OH and its written. The  3 most important days of my life. Shockingly my wedding date is one of them!

1. The date I was born(11th Jan)
2. My wedding date(unknown)
3. The date I die(unknown)

Oh well, i wanted to just write something other than boys. Its been a while.


x
a.a


"Whenever"- The Black Eyed Peas.

Remembering the younger years

I am thinking about those days when i used to like one guy one week and another in the next week. and i wanted so badly then to like one guy cause i knew if that continued i would have difficulties when i am older. I liked 3 guys at one point. and now.. look where i am. i cant get over my one guy.! S.S.
He took more than my first kiss, he took my heart and everything i had to give back then. when my innocence was still intact. he was not a relationship, he just meant more than that.
i saw vision of my life with him and i loved it. i loved the idea of being with him, of having a life with him, of being around him.
we had these outings, during the month of ramadan, when he use to stay with his cousin and all night along we use to sit and just talk. I cant even remember about what! sometimes silence bestowed upon us and we just went along with it. it was quiet and so completely comfortable. i loved it. i loved the not awkward, no need to say anything to keep the silence away.   
my paranoia with him just disappeared. i wasnt worried about who might see us, on get caught sneaking out of the house to go to meet him. We were friends, but i wanted more. so much more. he made me want it. I let myself go with him. and with reasons. i didnt guard myself cause i never felt the pain he gave me when he left me stranded alone. the wonder of why. He was honest and yet it was not good enough.. cause when he broke me, he broke the part of trust i had in all of him and the guys i met later.
I got over this one relationship with V and instead of going over that relationship wrong doing and moments, i am going over one that was over a year ago and so many guy crushes later.
He changed me. i realize now only, maybe what i felt for him was love.  
Can u believe my first love didnt love me back? Did care enough even as a friend to not take the one thing i was saving for my first boyfriend? My first kiss. 
I was 16.. when i had so many chances to get the experience of kissing a guy.. i didnt try it. when all my friends were fun experiencing.. i saved it. i make it sound like it was my virginity. it was.. it was the beginning of the end of my innocence. my native self. i may sound childish and stupid. But i know what happened to me after that. I lost all my morals after he hurt me. My whole no-smoking policy. was thrown out of the window for a while.
and so many other things.
So i know..my virginity is for the one that cant run away. it will be lost after i get married. cause if i lose it now to the assholes the world holes, i will not be able to survive that heartbreak. atleast so i think.
i am strong. i went thru all the bullshit given to me. i will continue not showing it to people who has no reason to show to.


So this is where the post comes to Z.T.!
He is crazy. He has the craze of the chase and he thinks i am playing. i am not. i dont want to get with him..cause  all over. he is pain!
the same. S.S gave me.!
but he doesnt get it. i keep telling him.i bloody cried. he is not hurting like i am. i am not over this guy and i dont want to be reminded that i am not. i just want space and a mature age for him to date me. cause he aint serious. he is saying things that he knws i want to hear. and u know what..i dont trust him. not a word, not one bit. and i dont take it.
my heart wont let it.. and that is enough for me. if he does anything tomorrow. i am walking away.. and never looking back.
i just want to be his friend. cause i know i need one now. i need that support cause noone is here. noone for me..noone i love with all my heart rht i care for. i miss D.A.A. and A.K.J and my sisters. i just want to stop thinking about how to avoid Z.T.
cause i dont want to avoid.. i just want to be his friend..


so i miss the days.. when i didnt care bout hurting the guy i liked cause they never knew about it..and i never got hurt that they didnt like me cause i started liking another guy the next day!


life was easy and innocence was not laughed when we were 13.. its a wonder how just 5 years changed that.


xx
a.a


Bulletproof- La Roux
P.S:  the songs i give at the end..is currently what i feel.listen to the lyrics, i relate myself to those.

My kind of guy

So after a few days out and reading, i realized alot of what i want from my guy.

My dream guy who would only exist in the boundaries of my mind and heart. 

but before the list of what i want from him.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

• Curly hair
• Coloured eyes( Honey brown, Sea blue, Money Green, anything different from black and dark brown man)
• Perfect teeth
• Body that would make me go crazy when he takes off his shirt

PERSONALITY

• Sweet
• Adventurer
• Truthful
• Playful
• Funny
• Protective ( as much as i love being independent, i would want him to turn red when a guy whistles at me or turn green with envy when i talk to one guy whose history with me is too much for it to be a normal friendship)
• Social
• Not Dumb
• RIsk Taker
• Confident
• Slight cocky

THINGS HE SHOULD DO THAT WOULD MAKE ME MELT

• The first date is super unpredictable. Adventure filled.
• Since i have never had anything like a prom or a slow dance sort of thing, he takes me somewhere to make sure i experience it.
• Our first kiss should be far from a makeout, a peck on the lips to end a good date. Arms on my waist and mine around his neck...standing
• He understands my issues with my parents and avoid being inconsiderate and keep me from getting in trouble. 
• Does things to gain my full trust.
• Makes me dinner with desserts.
• Playful when kissing
• Hugs me from behind.
• Have the strength to pick me up!
• lets me do what i want. had enough restriction from my parents

i know.. i am a typical girl with a typical want for a guy

but i love those things.

if i find the guy.. and with much luck he is like i described, which is unlikely...

i would be crazzy to not have fallen for him.

For me, love means i would take a bullet for u and my life without u would be shit..

but my dream guy remains in my dreams while the guys out here havent even make the cut . not even close..

gives to show tthat my dream guy would never come.

x

a.a

eyes coloured green

 i want to bring about Z.T again. i don't know whether i am liking him or not. but today when he said that one of my school friends were hot. i couldn't take it. my heart swelled with envy and my eyes turned green. what the heck do i do now? He made me rethink everything. whether i really like him or he's just a friend whose attention i love more than any guy's attention.!
i am back from clubbing ( :O) hahaha. no. i don't drink. why associate clubbing with drinking people.? if u are decent, u would just be there to be surrounded by loud music and your feet moving! you don't need to drink, right?  The loud, floor vibrating, pounding music makes me high.
anyways.. i left zeeshan there with my friends cause i was to be home before my parents and i didn't tell them i was going.!
i went for dinner.. which i did.. but "forgot" to tell them what was happening later.!
i danced for less than an hour so don't bitch!
leaving that out. i just felt the jealousy rise again when i thought on how he would make a move on her. not her. not any on of them. I HATE IT. maybe that how he felt when i went with V.V, my ex! when he clearly told me he liked me.
oh well, karma is bound to bite back right?
so do i like him? or did i feel his attention would be diverted from me to them!??
urm... i need to sort out my feelings.. but u know what i cant understand is when V.V told me this girl is hot when we were in a relationship, i didnt care. Or when Z.T comments on all the other hot girls around college, i dont really care. I guess its just alot to do with the fact that its my friend from high school that he commented on.
let that be the reason..PLEASE LET IT BE THAT REASON!
i need to sort this out for sure.


x
a.a

But tonight hes loving me

I see Z.T motivation..
His need to get any girl he wants.Once he targets, he wants to be sure there will always something out of it.
I am now his friend. But he kept thinking that by all his right words and his ample straightforward- ness i was to fall for him. His saying that "he doesn't spend too much time with girls in the worry of of him falling.". Just randomly saying these kind of things when i had not asked of such an answer shows he's just fooling himself thinking i will fall for such crap.
I am his friend and i might has be a great one. I do too much to help out friends and my parents might me right, pakistani, heck any, guy will take it the wrong way. I bet you with all the help he thinks i am doing it cause i am in love with him. I help my friends that i like. I like him. I thought i might like him more than a friend but i prove myself wrong cause i didnt fall for him. I took him more as a friend. I think cause i just got my head on the fact that he is just good at being a friend and not more than that.
He is a really good friend, i wont deny anyone of that. His straightforward-ness rubs off on me in a good way. Its something that works with me. I enjoying having a truth telling friend!
But he flirts excessively and does not deny when people think we are dating. DUDE!
the person came and asked him..girlfriend? and i was like no! and he was like yea and put his arms around me. aiya. But its funny at times. But not when i am interested in this other guy and he sees me with him!
Main reason i wasnt asked out earlier by my ex was because of Z.T. My ex thought i liked Z.T!
The most annoying thing, i dont want to stop him from his flirtation. I guess i like the attention and i feel he wont want to be friends if he knows he will never get me if i told him off. 
So i drop slight hints, like when we went to his brother's place, OMG, his brother's roommate was soo cute and i said it..after that he kept quiet and just off. Maybe cause he didnt want to talk or do his usual humming or singing. 
What is wrong with these guys? They can go one looking at girls and i am not allowed to look at guys and see how god as blessed them with good looks? Whats the harm as long as i dont take my cuties and snog them?? 
And the song that i think suits Z.T, during the time he is flirting with me to other girl is...


xx
a.a

"Tonight (I'm loving you)"- Enrique Iglesias Ft. Ludacris 

The key to unlock everything.

There is so much of crap in this world i just dont want to deal with.
For example, knowing my chances to get into a university is low, but still wanting and hoping for it.
I hate this feeling. That once i got a chance to go somewhere, another hunch comes and loose it just like that. What point is there to fight what is already written in my life books.? What point is there thinking long and hard about what choice i should make when without even thinking about, my life will just lead me to that direction.?
I am upset if people cant see it. Not upset that makes me what to cry but one that makes me zone out in my world and drown myself in sleep and dreams and consume my free time with music and movies. My results just made me just a bit too upset, cause suddenly my oh so manny possibilities seems like barely seem nothing as i look into those results and what the university want from me. 
I have made a huge joke of what i was able to do. 
I am ranting about results when i almost lost my kidney and went thru my first real relationship breakup.!
But breakups never matter in my future plans. My almost losing my kidney only made me stronger and a better person to not do things that i did last year. 
Its more about what I want to do..see the world...when i get those results. it was that key to unlock that door to allow to see the world, instead of being stuck at home. Unable to go out and see the people i want to see.
I missing out on LMFAO or David Guetta or the crazy dancing time i could have had at anytime i want. I am not saying i want to get drunk and club everyday. I just want to be able to go to a club and dance my head off when i want to celebrate!
When i finished alevels, i zoned off with friends and slept early that night. Thinking i was going to zouk out those weeks after that, i didnt ask my parents if i could go clubbing in celebration along with other alevel classmates.
But when u dont get to dance of those celebration, weeks after that.. you tend to feel like shit. I never got to feel on top of the world when i finished alevels, not knowing my results and thinking i had so much look forward to. Now even if i wanted, i would not be able to celebrate me finishing, cause i am not happy with my bloody results.
For guys now, I went to my Ex- college. No doubt there are plenty of fishes in the sea. i got my eye on this one iranian one. He is cute. Thats about  i know about him. I just want to take me aside, know he cant speak english and get totally turned off and get over him!
Easy, u dont know english, no way to communicate with me, i have no reason to be interested. 


xx
a.a


"What the hell"-Arvil Lavign

an hour and 10 minutes til my future is before me.

30minutes to go.
i am at the edge of my bed, unable to sleep, unable to even think about it without freaking out.
emotions are highly on overdrive. With me,  everything is unexpected.No matter how good the paper went,it proves me wrong by showing a B or so. 
I am an overachiever and omg, when i dont get something i expected to or am utterly disappointed i am the worse person to be around. i sulk! and i sound like a spoiled brat. But i dont mean materialistic things but rather the things i really worked hard for... 
Change of topic.
My plans for the up coming months, is to stay single and happy with myself. I have seen the "grass is on the other  side" and i enjoyed parts of it. It was my first real relationship. :O  that will be the face on the aunties that know about me being in any relationship..continued with gossips. even more so if they knew he was indian. 
Anyways, with my luck with guys and all, i got over this one pretty fast. i guess cause i never actually put a 100%  into it incase i got hurt in the end and also when i finally did break up. i had this amazing flood of relief and the realization that i can flirt around with any guy friends of mine without feeling like i am unfaithful. Not that i did when i was with the guy. the thing is..
In a relationship with me, loyalty is something u dont have to worry about and jealousy is far from it cause i cut of all my guy friends. and i realized that is amazing stupid.! 
No matter that guys and girls cant be friends because of all the sexual tension, love and lust coming in between, a girl needs a guy friend. One that can make her see the insides of a  typical guy's brains.
It took me a bunch of years to realise just a year ago that guys go for the body rather than the face first.!
OMG. i just realised there is an additional hour gap between here and UK.!
argh..
so that makes it now. AN HOUR AND 5 MINUTES.
i am going to drive and get myself MCDs!
to calm the overpowering and "dramatic" nerves.!


xx
a.a

Black Sheep of the A.Family

My sister came back from where she settled down after her university. Gosh, the things she does sometimes pisses me off. She is the one i am the closest to and the one who puts ALOT of sense into me but hello, sometimes i feel she is more against me than with me. She makes makes my parents go against me.

With my family, they cant have a single conversation with me without me completely blowing it out of proportion due to me being utterly emotional. I am. More so when i am with my family cause what they say, i really listen to. I either start crying or screaming. The reasons are pretty much the same. They either degrade me, make me the black sleep, treat me like a child, criticizes, make me feel like a horrible person or just a dumb one.!

I realized my family can make me breakdown in everything they say. and noone else. My friends can say that top is not nice and i'd buy it. But when my sister says it, i just drop it. 

it's like i completely lose myself when it comes to my family. I cant think for myself. they can do it. They influence me alot. and i am a difficult person to get influence into shit. If i do it, i do it cause i want to not cause its cool, or u doing it. 

Today's argument. I was called a whore for wearing a top that showed my shoulders and arms.. "You should dress modestly". When i was going to wear a tight sleeveless top with tights! Okay.. so not Paki like dressing but of course, when will i ever understand.

I am super stubborn. i love to dress up.. if it were up to me. i would love to wear sun dresses up to my knees but of course..cant.! 

I havent reached my potential level of dressing and i want to go oversea to do just that. I want to go crazy wearing dresses everyday!

I dont go against my family.. i dont want to. I just want the freedom to wear and do what i want. I have my limits. i wont go wearing a mini shirt with a top showing my belly button! or a bikini.!

i'd just like to show a bit of legs and arms sometimes, when i find this tight amazing slightly sleeveless top.. thats it.! i am all for modest dressing, just not as modest as my sister is ALL the time. thats just a way to feel hot, as in sweating hot, half of the time!

My dream outfit.. anything that makes me look hot with boots. :)

xx

a.a

"Hold it against me" - Britney Spears ft David Guetta.