The double-life in a small amazing bubble

So I haven't posted in a long while and somehow today I just want to vent to the unknown audience of the world. So to whoever who sees this, hey.. 

The reason this blog is anonymous by me is so that no one can actually type in my name and find this blog. Its not that I live a life people are interested in, its so that I can live a life that my parent's friends and family won't find out about. I moved miles away from preying eyes of people who don't know how to let people have their own lives without giving their input in it. 

I left the society my family lives in to come all the way to U.K, get away from it all and live a life I want to live. I can't tell you how much I love and hate that I chose to do it. 

I left my family 14 hours flight away.. I hate that I can't run home, that I can't be in my mother's arms in a moments notice. That they don't see from time to time and i dont see them. I miss them like crazy. Even more so, I miss my niece and nephew. It's such a huge thing to be an aunt and I am not a good one at that cause I am so far away. It sucks. Big time. 

But, then the love of being my own person comes into the picture. How is it that I had to come so far away to know the thing I needed to know about myself far away. The funniest thing is my parents used to tell me how I am without even taking completely knowledge of the situations I took on. I guess they have seen you grow up, who else will know you better than them? But I saw these things about me and experienced these things I would never have if I lived at home or even if that home was 2 hours away. I would run back every time I had a problem or was sick of the tasteless food of Britain. 

I live in the extremes of two society. I made myself live in those extremes. Tried to adapt but part of me is alway going to be the Pakistani girl, not from Pakistan but grown up in a very diverse, multicultural society. My way of thinking and living is so different to most people in my society. Third cultural kid. T.C.K for life. Everytime I am home, I feel like I live a double-life. Like everything that went on in U.K is a completely different person or even that it was all a dream. It's freaking weird. 

I came to U.K, expecting so much and wanting so much. But it never happened as I planned it to. I lost my faith in god, my family, my dignity, a few friends, slowing slipping a degree from my hands and a right on disappointment for myself and I think I am the biggest disappointment for my family. 

Let me briefly explain my losses so I explain my gains... I am not a total loss cost at least not trying to be. I just havent gotten it sorted out like most people have. I am not comparing but its hard not to when everyone around is better and smarter than you are. 

I came to U.K.. do you have any idea what that means to me? I had left the comfort of home, the strict-ness of my parents, gotten the freedom to do anything and everything without me ever having to answer to anyone. 

I went crazy in short. I partied excessively, did stupid things that made me deal with alot of consequences on my personal self and my naive-ness over the fact that I was so protected and unobservant to things made me not see alot of things that I was missing. 

I never questioned most things before coming to Uni.. Now that I have started.. I questioned God of all things.. When in reality I should be finding the answers through him. I think one of the biggest blow is that I had lost the faith and restoring it back is so hard. How you suppose to tell your family who are religious and abide by it.. that their daughter doesnt know what to believe anymore? I did tell my mum once... she told me to open up the Quran and read. I was taught to believe in something.. not taught why to believe in it. I feel like there is a higher power but not one that judges us on our daily lives routine but more on how we are to other people and how we look up to him. Their shouldn't be rules that make us go crazy everytime we don't follow them. I am continuously battling with myself on all the wrong doings I do, that I will never be forgiven. And if its true, I wouldn't be for a long time and will be burnt for all my wrong-doing. My mum says I don't fear anything and I should. But I don't want to fear a higher power that would burn me if I show my legs off to the world. I wanna be free from the thought that I have to do something cause of someone or something. There is a saying that says Freedom is when their is no need to say sorry. If their is an after life and this is all a test, then I guess true freedom of mind and person lies in heaven and their will never be the need to say sorry then.

I do get some aspect of religion though.. I get why there are these thoughts and rules behind them cause people needed them. They still need them now. I see how the world is changing these days. No matter what anyone says, girls don't get the respect if they dress like whores and show too much skins. It's just the way guy's mind work. 

Speaking of guy's mind, my dad had the talk about it with me. He told me a very straightforward thing that has been stuck in my head. Cause it's not something you want your dad to tell you about. He said he is a guy and he knows how guy's think. That's not all that he said, it was a lot more in detail and awkward. He tells me this at 21.. and we have never had the sex talk. So you can tell how far behind my family is from talking about things and how much they still think I have not lost my virginity. 

Sigh.. I still don't know with them thou. Are they being naive about what i get up to here or they have an idea and they turn a blind eye? I am still not sure. If they do know, they don't know to what extent I have gone completely western-ize. I know they will never understand and I know I will not want them to ever know. I love them and respect them too much to let them know about how I am. It would kill them. They have an idea. They know I have had the wild-streak in me since young and i think one of the reason they sent me abroad is to let it out of my system. I think I have now...but I think I want to live my life without the pressure of thinking of what I can and cant do. I want to live it in a manner that if I really wanna do it, I can do it. 

I am going back home in like 6months time probably.. not to settle hopefully but just to be with family for a bit. I went home for the christmas break after a year and a half - yes, it was a long time after. alot happened that year and hopefully when I do think about writing a book, it will be filled in about all of it. LOL. no but seriously. 

Ever felt like you were a distance member in your immediate family? I felt like that the whole time. I realised after a year and a half that I am literally the furthest away and I couldn't handle that thought. In that year and a half, I saw alot I needed to change about myself and then I went home and I saw that where my true identity lay..I was not even a proper part of it. 

My mum and sisters are so close to one another and they always were but I never felt that far apart from them til that point. I fought with my sisters and my mum cause I was angry, angry at myself for not losing them...not yet anyways and hopefully never.. but for not being there enough. I call them every 4 times in the week now cause of it. If there is anything I have stayed in U.K and realized is that family is soo important and no matter, what they believe in or how they choose to live their lives, they are the way they are and I can't change that. They are older than me, they have gone through their lives and figured out who they are and they are not going to change their mind, just cause a 21-year-old soon to be graduating from university is telling them otherwise. Nope. They will be stubborn and still dictate my life when I am with them and whenever they can. I don't blame them though, reflecting back to my antics of the last 2 years, I have not given them much to trust about me. 

I have lost my passport, gotten punched on the face, lost a couple of I-Phones, went missing for a few days, lived in a house with guys, missed an exam, called up crying when I broke up with my druggie boyfriend(they don't know that part).. but hey whose keeping score. I think I have done so much wrong before them, they arent even surprise when I do something more so wrong. They just expect me to screw up at some point.. 

I am shit scared to tell them about my recent exam results. FML. I studied hard this time. It was the stupid wedding.. not stupid. It was the best freaking 2 weeks of wedding fun I have ever had...but still it affected the time i should have been studying for. Not a reason I know. but omg. this is bad results. and moreso worse outcome yet to come. 

I am a massive disappointment to my parents...atleast I had shit loads of fun doing it. 

:|

Til next time, 

a.a 

Gabrille Aplin - Home (Mortiz Guhling Remix)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RT3HQ0KZSc