These memories haunting

My memories are just coming back to me. These things i had put away for so long, almost forgotten. For the last two nights, i have had dreams about this guy, the one who is now dating my former best friend.

And now i cant sleep. Cause i just slipped into another memory about how we got into talking. I asked him for his email. i was 13! i cant believe i was strong or confident enough to do it. but now i remember, he was walking pass my table and i was alone. I called him over. and just asked for his email address. HAHA.

That email address lead to MSN chatting and asking for my number. From that to asking me out.

After the break up, i used that email address to stalk him unfortunately for a year or so because our whatever it was never got its closure. 

Today, i used that email address again. To email him. I am amazed that i actually did it.

I need to get closure, also get the answer to WHAT HAPPEN TO US? WHY WAS IT THAT WE NEVER WORKED OUT?

i need to know. i know or almost know why my last so called relationship didnt work from the guy's part except for him.

Now for the worse part, waiting!

I cant even be sure if he will see it or not. its his hotmail. Not texting nor facebook message!

lets see how it goes.!

for now. googling will do. :P

kidding.

bed.!

x

a.a

"what happen to us"- Jessica Mauboy ft Jay Sean

I just cant get enough.

I was thinking back to all the rude, bitchy-ness i did when i was younger, in high school. I realised their is a high to that. Weirdly, I missed it. But then again, I always became upset after that. I miss telling someone off for being rude to someone else, or cause they took my group's table. Made you feel like you have some power and intimidation advantage. To just pointedly throw a sarcastic remark!
I think thats why i fight with alot of people. cause i love the whole effect. 
Funny thing is after all that, i am an emotional wreck. I feel bad and intensely horrible for doing it.
except when the person really deserves it.  


Another part that came up in my mind, how i broke the ice with all these guys. I remember this one guy i dated.
Now, he is in a 4 year relationship with my former best friend. Anyways, so before we actually talked to each other. There was these amazing eye contact. Those that i had with Z.T before we official met.  Those are the best part of liking someone. The electrifying eye contact of some stranger you are attract and we are sort of making those shameless convo without the words. The butterflies in ur stomach cause u need to find a way to talk to him but too nervous too. I miss it. so much. omg. more than anything. It was the drive of wanting to do something to face my fear. And plotting and scheming. 
Back to the story. My first guy i felt the eye contact thing with, the butterflies was him. And we had those eye contact with him for most of the time. My group's table was few tables away from his gang. He was my senior so it was crazy to even think we would actual happen. For some reason the seniors and juniors never went well. 
So my ice breaker happen on my favorite day of the school year, Sports Day. Where I sat in the highest throne. It was early in the morning. We both were early and he was playing with his fingers as if he was playing her guitar. I took the shot and asked him. "Do you play the guiter?" It was so random , i caught him by surprise. Funny thing is that after that he felt so comfortable with me. He poked me in the side and teased me. Just by one random question. I dunno. I first time, when u know nothing about the person but u have this attraction. that even the slightest touch or being spoken to makes ur heart weak and ur stomach full of butterflies.


So yea. i miss those feelings. I lack meeting new people cause i am not in college.
I need to go out and about right. but i am content with where i am right now. probably cause i am lazy..so missing it is not enough for me to get out of bed.


I am thinking about how much i am finding out about myself writing this blog.
like how much i love power and everything about it.
damn the guy that has to marry me. hahaha


xx
a.a


"Nobody's Perfect" - Jessie J

Unknown Mysteries. (of course its unknown)

Its amazing how the littlest of things matters to me.
I was thinking about how when i dropped my ex,V to the airport.While i watched him walk away, he never turned to give a second glance to see me go.!
Does it really matter? Well, yea. Think about it. Whenever I turn to look back at the person I just turned away from, i am telling them indirectly that i care about them enough to atleast turn back after leaving to see whether they are going their way as well. There is a meaning to it. I cant explain it. All I can say is i want you to care enough to turn back to see if i am okay with you leaving. 
I had this thing when I was young, maybe unconsciously now too, I want the person I care the most about to turn around after walking away. There is something to it. If you cant get it, notice it next time. 
S.S didnt do it, Z.T doesnt do it and V never did.


I was also watching "The Adjustment Bureau". Its a really good movie. Makes you think really! What are the chances or what is written? I want my written path to include studying aboard. I know my life is already written. Its a known fact. But I want the chance to study in a place like Manchester. Please Allah. Listen to my prayers and send me there. 


I have been reading the true meaning of Qur'an. I want to gain the knowledge of all the stories and laws of my religon. Just to know, to understand, to have the answers to the so many questions i keep pondering over. Its says alot of things i never knew. Like how the "Jews" were actually Muslim at first but changed the laws and teaching of Prophet Mohammad  (p.b.u.h) a bit and cause of that changed the name and became a whole new religon. Made me think how much i still dont know about Islam.
I am the sort that at a teaching of something will try to contradict the teacher, not just cause its fun cause it bloody is, but cause i genuinely am curious.
Well, i questioned my aunty when she was telling us about how man have higher power in Islam! They do. Oh do they.! But still in front of all the other aunties, i kept going against everything she was saying, not cause i dont believe it. Cause i do, i see it all the time. 
but more for my understanding.. how i think and how she could correct me mainly.
DID YOU KNOW MEN CAN JUST DIVORCE THE WOMEN WITHOUT HER NEEDING TO EVEN SIGN THE DOCUMENTS?
So many reasons to be a guy right now. They can marry 4 times. Mainly to reproduce, not pleasure.. But this centuries have been misusing it. They marry for satisfaction!!!!


OH and its written. The  3 most important days of my life. Shockingly my wedding date is one of them!

1. The date I was born(11th Jan)
2. My wedding date(unknown)
3. The date I die(unknown)

Oh well, i wanted to just write something other than boys. Its been a while.


x
a.a


"Whenever"- The Black Eyed Peas.