...

Its been some time since i wrote. cause honestly for the past
few weeks i have been so full of things to do. i made a huge
decision for myself. i needed to make it but.. there is always a
but as always. I felt something. A different kind of happiness,
the risky kind, the kind that made me think whether it will be worth
all the trouble and i cant help but think it might have been.

But I cant. I always do this. I guess cause when i was younger, the
guy I liked never liked me. So now that I have any guy I want, i go
for it. I have to stop cause some of them are just a bad mistake. I
know Z.T wont be but I cant bring myself to give in. I have in over
my head that if i get with this guy, he will change me and I will
be hopelessly into him. I am not the sort that omg, i want to marry
him just cause i feel so much for him. But i am worried that i will
be so into him that i wont be able to get myself past him and into
my potential hushband. I know he wont be for sure. I am just another
chick for him. Another one in his long list of girls he liked and
wanted. I was happy with just holding hands with him. He was too, he
said. But i am sure he'd want more and i would never have given in.
cause i hear are ecohes of my sister's words and mistakes. Never give
in to what the guy wants if you really want him. Date him, be with him
but never physically. I had experience that first hand when i got kissed
for the first time with the guy i loved but never loved me back. I am not
willing to make the same mistakes again. I see the power couple in us, I
see how much we will like each other, and how much he would protect me,
how much he will try not to hurt me. But i have no idea why. I just dont
feel right about it.

Maybe cause i will never figure out who i am if i get with him. Cause I
will change in a way to make myself more for him. I know i can potential
do that. I hate being the kind of girl that pretends to be the girlfriend
and i was that that night when i told him its not going to happen. He was
sick and i cared. I cared more for him then i cared for my actual boyfriend
when he was sick. It didnt make sense. Complicated. and I need things to be
simple right now. I really do. I need to enjoy myself with friends and learn
about myself. Its me I need to focus on. I  need to learn my weakness and
greatness before I learn about someone else's. What better way to do that over
your nine months break from studies and people and blogging about it.?
I know he understand where i am coming from, I just hope he knows i was not
playing with him or messing about cause I really liked him. I mean seriously.
He made my checklist.

We went out early morning to a yet to opened mall and just walked around. Holding
hands. It was those unexplainable moments. seems stupid but it had so much to it.
I always wanted to hold hands in the mall and walk, dont know why. But never did
cause i was scared an aunty would see. HAHAHAHA. so we walked in an empty mall, early
morning. It wasnt planned. It just happened. That was the best part. I was so caught
up with my parents and getting out of the house. I totally forgot about thinking what
to talk about and do. We went with the flow.

But i know it will never be enough. Not for me and definitely not for him. And I hate
worrying about that. I hate it. So i just called quits. I know we had potential of
working out til whenever if i didnt have the pressure of my parents and this prison
i call home. He was looking for something serious as well. or so he said. I just love
being single. I realised after being in one relationship. I hate stressing about the
other one and myself with my parents. Its too much and i relapse into my worse habit.
Still i relapsed thou.

I didnt cry in front  of him. It hurt doing what i did. To let go of something so beyond.
I was happy with the decision i made but not of what i had to let go because of it.
He doesnt need to know that. I will only confuse him. I didnt want to show how weak
i was with this decision and i promised myself i wont cry. But of course, the stress
and the whole i dont want to cry cause me to relapse and now i cant stop.

I just want to be able to know my future so i know later on in my life i know this wasnt
a mistake, that i will know i will meet him or someone like him, that i know where i am
going. WHAT IS MY FUTURE DAMMIT? I NEED AN ANSWER SOON OR I RIP MY HEAD OFF!

I am not saying i want to know where i am going, i want to know what i should do next?
I need to start my back up plan or not. So i can prepare my broken heart from my dream
university to that crappy thing. It will suck i know but it was what was written. I will
have to look at it that way. *sigh*

and my problem arent even proper problems. This stuff is easy. I know there are even worse
coming.

xx

a.a


"Rolling in Deep"-Adele


One of those quotes that spoke to me:

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.
He's only a friend, and nothing else
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he's just a bud,
But deep inside, you're falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself it isn't right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretend that you don't care.
It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish...