Some feelings just cant be held down

I have been in love before. i know it was cause to me i did everything i could to be with him even as friends. go against my family's trust which i never did and saw these vision of everything i wanted and the comfort and ease of it out..not necessary the first love where they love u back. Nope. mine was brutal and completely painful, still is.

He didn't love me back and, I know how it feels to be on the other side. to love someone and not be loved back. so i am not going to into that. My reason to blog this late is that i have these amazing butterflies and goosebumps just thinking about this other guy.

I am in love again. i know its not same kind...  he is everything i like,he is cocky, funny, playful, good looking, charming, pakistani. and for some crazy moments in my mind, trustworthy.

But he is not. His main thing, hes a player and he makes me doubt he is with his words. hes sweet and thinks he is can get anything he wants. 

Thing is he likes me, thats all.! and that probably cause i am one of the few girl friend he never got with that he really wanted to get with. He will discard me once i fall for him. and i wont be able to handle that. i am just putting myself together now. to be broken again in the period of my college life..or post-college life, will be utter crap and completely stupid of me.

so maybe its not love cause even typing that word thinking of him now is making me want to puke but he is something more than like and a different kind that i have felt for no one else.

the forbidden kind.

I am hopeless. but my best friends are helping me turn myself off from him. i tend to get over some feeling after a silly discussion. and talking.. or as of now, blogging. 

xx

a.a

"Hold it against me"-Britney Spears

Different Mentality.

Interesting. Again. Men earn, Women sit home and give birth issue. How is it possible after all the argues and fights for equality, some people still think that. That after my parents spent so much on my sister to allow her to stay home and let her husband earn alone. I mean come on. 

Just now actually, i am trying to think about how my sister went thru all the trouble of holding a degree and then to have an OPTION for her either sit home and be stuck with her mother in law  or go to work and use her brains for good.I agree she is now a mother, she should look after her son. For that reason, yea. i agree with society. Look after your child. But my mum is right now pissed that my sis earning for her family and doesnt have time to take care of herself. Okay. So yea. She being lazy to take care of herself will get her into trouble. BUT when is it okay to come and say that she should quit cause her husband should take ALL the responsibility and earn for the family revenue. 

I just want her to be happy. If she is not happy with working, then fine dont. She is not the breadwinner. Right now they just bought a house. which for her age group is a huge deal and amazing investment but alot of weight on their shoulders, circumstances changes things right?

Anyways, I was driving the other day. i was wondering how i just manage to deceive people.. or atleast i think i did MasaAllah, but still whatever it is, they dont know me. The wild crazy me that my best friend know me to be. either that or i just recently lost it. Or they know but just also know that i am so down low cause of my parents. I mean i would hope into a car full of drunken friend...not the one whose driving of course,and head to freaking end of the world. I would go skinny dipping into my neighbour's pool if i were alone and if they were out. 

okay that isnt crazy for some people i have my limits. but my close friends dont think i can do that. maybe cause i wont tell them cause they tend to be the sort that wants the paki girl be the marriage material.

I am the sort that will spike the drink in my prom just so i can have fun with drunken friends. 

I just havent done it cause i never had a prom.which i just really want.

Proms...so cliche and i am far from it. but i love the idea of something as sweet as slow dancing with someone u really like and u looking fabulous in a gown. I would wear a long exotic coloured dress and make sure my guy get the same tie and i would be on the dance floor all night. just dancing with my man. I dont care about the queen and king. thats bullshit,. i would want to know the connection in this slow dancing. i know on grinding, which is immensely heated and hard core. ;)

weird, a world of strangers know how i am and not my close paki guy friends. best to leave it such.

xx

a.a

"Uncharted"- Sara.....something  

Things i wanna do.

There is plenty i wanna do when i go to university. there is things i cant do now without answering million of questions. i need to get to any university. I limit my time with friends. i know if i am go to any university away from home i would be able to do something crazy without thinking about getting back on time for curfew.

Like yesterday,my friends all rented a car and went to a place 30 mins away to a bar and then another hour's drive away to a hilltop cold place with a casino! and spent the whole night in the casino. and came back at 10 am. OMG. how much FUN!!!

its things like these. to do these random things and not to worry about how my parents would be worried if i dont come home at time. i told them to go ahead cause i didnt want them to hurry back cause of me. How annoying that would be.! 

Update if u care. Nothing much.

I went to watch a movie alone. Weird i know. But hey its a huge way to build personal development.  I thought i would give it a try. Its been hard to pull it thru without my parents suspecting something. Again it was about them. If people saw me alone what would they think? she got ditched on a date.! HAHAH..probably but they were like u are going to cut our noses off. I mean its me! going to a movie alone. instead of questioning why I am going alone they are worried about what people would think.? Doesn't it matter how i think too? How i feel about it all? 

Honestly, I have been thinking. I am immensely known by people i dont know. But i am alone as well. I have friends but those friends that i cant share my problems with or go for advise. My besties are all overseas and the friends i have here are not the ones that will come running when i am obsessed over this one problem in my life. these friends are not someone i would run to do anything. i miss my best friends alot. 

I am just lonely but not alone. I keep myself busy but what can i possibly do to not remember how little close friends i have. Its not just that. its my parents. they just ruin the image of my friends. i mean the things they say.. pisses me off. like how my guy friends are after me and how if my aunties see, they will think wrong. and i wont ever be able to get arranged with a guy. WTF?

My husband better fucking know how i am before marrying me. cause i aint easy to deal with if u get into it unknowingly. 

And omg. my parents think i am fking naive. Please. if i am naive. i would be already getting into a lot of shit. they think its my fault that i dont have any proper friends. tht what happened with my school friend was my fault. Yea right. if only they knew the whole story. 

They just assume and assume. Stop it!!

I wanna go to university already so i can miss them and come back home and be happy to be home. not depressed and caged.!

I love them but sometimes they get on my last nerves.

xx

a.a

"Broken Arrow"- Pixie Lot