Remembering the younger years

I am thinking about those days when i used to like one guy one week and another in the next week. and i wanted so badly then to like one guy cause i knew if that continued i would have difficulties when i am older. I liked 3 guys at one point. and now.. look where i am. i cant get over my one guy.! S.S.
He took more than my first kiss, he took my heart and everything i had to give back then. when my innocence was still intact. he was not a relationship, he just meant more than that.
i saw vision of my life with him and i loved it. i loved the idea of being with him, of having a life with him, of being around him.
we had these outings, during the month of ramadan, when he use to stay with his cousin and all night along we use to sit and just talk. I cant even remember about what! sometimes silence bestowed upon us and we just went along with it. it was quiet and so completely comfortable. i loved it. i loved the not awkward, no need to say anything to keep the silence away.   
my paranoia with him just disappeared. i wasnt worried about who might see us, on get caught sneaking out of the house to go to meet him. We were friends, but i wanted more. so much more. he made me want it. I let myself go with him. and with reasons. i didnt guard myself cause i never felt the pain he gave me when he left me stranded alone. the wonder of why. He was honest and yet it was not good enough.. cause when he broke me, he broke the part of trust i had in all of him and the guys i met later.
I got over this one relationship with V and instead of going over that relationship wrong doing and moments, i am going over one that was over a year ago and so many guy crushes later.
He changed me. i realize now only, maybe what i felt for him was love.  
Can u believe my first love didnt love me back? Did care enough even as a friend to not take the one thing i was saving for my first boyfriend? My first kiss. 
I was 16.. when i had so many chances to get the experience of kissing a guy.. i didnt try it. when all my friends were fun experiencing.. i saved it. i make it sound like it was my virginity. it was.. it was the beginning of the end of my innocence. my native self. i may sound childish and stupid. But i know what happened to me after that. I lost all my morals after he hurt me. My whole no-smoking policy. was thrown out of the window for a while.
and so many other things.
So i know..my virginity is for the one that cant run away. it will be lost after i get married. cause if i lose it now to the assholes the world holes, i will not be able to survive that heartbreak. atleast so i think.
i am strong. i went thru all the bullshit given to me. i will continue not showing it to people who has no reason to show to.


So this is where the post comes to Z.T.!
He is crazy. He has the craze of the chase and he thinks i am playing. i am not. i dont want to get with him..cause  all over. he is pain!
the same. S.S gave me.!
but he doesnt get it. i keep telling him.i bloody cried. he is not hurting like i am. i am not over this guy and i dont want to be reminded that i am not. i just want space and a mature age for him to date me. cause he aint serious. he is saying things that he knws i want to hear. and u know what..i dont trust him. not a word, not one bit. and i dont take it.
my heart wont let it.. and that is enough for me. if he does anything tomorrow. i am walking away.. and never looking back.
i just want to be his friend. cause i know i need one now. i need that support cause noone is here. noone for me..noone i love with all my heart rht i care for. i miss D.A.A. and A.K.J and my sisters. i just want to stop thinking about how to avoid Z.T.
cause i dont want to avoid.. i just want to be his friend..


so i miss the days.. when i didnt care bout hurting the guy i liked cause they never knew about it..and i never got hurt that they didnt like me cause i started liking another guy the next day!


life was easy and innocence was not laughed when we were 13.. its a wonder how just 5 years changed that.


xx
a.a


Bulletproof- La Roux
P.S:  the songs i give at the end..is currently what i feel.listen to the lyrics, i relate myself to those.