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Saturday, May 14, 2011

No effing clue

My friend, L is having these rumors. I guess its within reasons. She did somethings that she shouldn't have. Not in front of people she cant trust just yet. this world is judgmental no matter what race or religion u are. Its just how humans think. How society thinks. How one person thinks and changes the mind of others. I know. I have been influenced. I have come in terms with how i think. People think its immature but i know i have valid reason behind it. Even if i don't exactly what i want. Little things matter. My constant theories and my need to understand everything just right is just my way to deal with everything. People may call that cautions. It is. Cause everything i do, is being judged my not people around me but higher power. My parents, Allah, my future. 


I wish i would just be able to read about everyone's thoughts so i can learn how people think. Cause i know my theories are just theories. I know guys are all not the same. But i also know that  the effect of falling for one or any would be the same.  How it affect me will be the same. To be with someone i have been in like for what 9 months will mean so much more than the 3 to 4 months i would be if i were to be with them. I think of it as a way to hurt myself rather than not trusting them. I am being selfish. But maybe not. Maybe what any of them are thinking is just me as a chapter or an option not their story or a priority. While they might not end up being my book but i rather not have them as a chapter either. Cause how many more chapter will i have if i continue to take the risk.? The question may come up on how can i think that it wouldn't become something big. I will tell you. CAUSE NOTHING IS EVER THAT EASY! I have never had anything easy and i never will. So if i want my book to reach its perfect ending with the worthwhile chapters even if its too little pages and a cowardly act.. i am up for it. If the chapter is meant to come into my books, it will cross the worlds and come back to my story. For now, i rather tell the story thru my instinct. 

My friend and even me are going thru such a phrase that we want to try things. To experience everything. She is facing with her consequences now while i will face them later. I know it. What will my excuse be? I know my consequences will be bigger than a few rumors being spread and a ruined reputation. I have a feeling it will come in later in my life to haunt me. What will i say? that i was young and stupid. Heck, if i was stupid i wouldn't have already known this.That what i am doing is stupid. There wont be an excuse. I did it cause i wanted to. I want to make my mistakes so i learn from them. I cant live in fear from everything. I have to bare with some mistakes. I just dont wish to make them with guys.
I am efffing boy crazy. I am,. I was since i was a kid, I know that is the one fact i have known since i can remember!  My post is mostly about them cause they are a huge part. My family is not in these post cause i cant tell the world about other people's, especially my family's, lives. My friends are barelty their cause they are barely any of them left around me. The few i have are all guys and hence the post. I notice alot of things from them. its like observing another whole creature. 

I always thought guys didnt reply to texts that we send hours later cause they wanted us to wait like they waited for our text. and i always thought i was just paranoid.  But i am not. They really do it.

I will go home and type out about the issue that is bugging me. 

xx
a.a

"Sofi needs a ladder"-Deadmau5


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