Sunday, February 23, 2014

The double-life in a small amazing bubble

So I haven't posted in a long while and somehow today I just want to vent to the unknown audience of the world. So to whoever who sees this, hey.. 

The reason this blog is anonymous by me is so that no one can actually type in my name and find this blog. Its not that I live a life people are interested in, its so that I can live a life that my parent's friends and family won't find out about. I moved miles away from preying eyes of people who don't know how to let people have their own lives without giving their input in it. 

I left the society my family lives in to come all the way to U.K, get away from it all and live a life I want to live. I can't tell you how much I love and hate that I chose to do it. 

I left my family 14 hours flight away.. I hate that I can't run home, that I can't be in my mother's arms in a moments notice. That they don't see from time to time and i dont see them. I miss them like crazy. Even more so, I miss my niece and nephew. It's such a huge thing to be an aunt and I am not a good one at that cause I am so far away. It sucks. Big time. 

But, then the love of being my own person comes into the picture. How is it that I had to come so far away to know the thing I needed to know about myself far away. The funniest thing is my parents used to tell me how I am without even taking completely knowledge of the situations I took on. I guess they have seen you grow up, who else will know you better than them? But I saw these things about me and experienced these things I would never have if I lived at home or even if that home was 2 hours away. I would run back every time I had a problem or was sick of the tasteless food of Britain. 

I live in the extremes of two society. I made myself live in those extremes. Tried to adapt but part of me is alway going to be the Pakistani girl, not from Pakistan but grown up in a very diverse, multicultural society. My way of thinking and living is so different to most people in my society. Third cultural kid. T.C.K for life. Everytime I am home, I feel like I live a double-life. Like everything that went on in U.K is a completely different person or even that it was all a dream. It's freaking weird. 

I came to U.K, expecting so much and wanting so much. But it never happened as I planned it to. I lost my faith in god, my family, my dignity, a few friends, slowing slipping a degree from my hands and a right on disappointment for myself and I think I am the biggest disappointment for my family. 

Let me briefly explain my losses so I explain my gains... I am not a total loss cost at least not trying to be. I just havent gotten it sorted out like most people have. I am not comparing but its hard not to when everyone around is better and smarter than you are. 

I came to U.K.. do you have any idea what that means to me? I had left the comfort of home, the strict-ness of my parents, gotten the freedom to do anything and everything without me ever having to answer to anyone. 

I went crazy in short. I partied excessively, did stupid things that made me deal with alot of consequences on my personal self and my naive-ness over the fact that I was so protected and unobservant to things made me not see alot of things that I was missing. 

I never questioned most things before coming to Uni.. Now that I have started.. I questioned God of all things.. When in reality I should be finding the answers through him. I think one of the biggest blow is that I had lost the faith and restoring it back is so hard. How you suppose to tell your family who are religious and abide by it.. that their daughter doesnt know what to believe anymore? I did tell my mum once... she told me to open up the Quran and read. I was taught to believe in something.. not taught why to believe in it. I feel like there is a higher power but not one that judges us on our daily lives routine but more on how we are to other people and how we look up to him. Their shouldn't be rules that make us go crazy everytime we don't follow them. I am continuously battling with myself on all the wrong doings I do, that I will never be forgiven. And if its true, I wouldn't be for a long time and will be burnt for all my wrong-doing. My mum says I don't fear anything and I should. But I don't want to fear a higher power that would burn me if I show my legs off to the world. I wanna be free from the thought that I have to do something cause of someone or something. There is a saying that says Freedom is when their is no need to say sorry. If their is an after life and this is all a test, then I guess true freedom of mind and person lies in heaven and their will never be the need to say sorry then.

I do get some aspect of religion though.. I get why there are these thoughts and rules behind them cause people needed them. They still need them now. I see how the world is changing these days. No matter what anyone says, girls don't get the respect if they dress like whores and show too much skins. It's just the way guy's mind work. 

Speaking of guy's mind, my dad had the talk about it with me. He told me a very straightforward thing that has been stuck in my head. Cause it's not something you want your dad to tell you about. He said he is a guy and he knows how guy's think. That's not all that he said, it was a lot more in detail and awkward. He tells me this at 21.. and we have never had the sex talk. So you can tell how far behind my family is from talking about things and how much they still think I have not lost my virginity. 

Sigh.. I still don't know with them thou. Are they being naive about what i get up to here or they have an idea and they turn a blind eye? I am still not sure. If they do know, they don't know to what extent I have gone completely western-ize. I know they will never understand and I know I will not want them to ever know. I love them and respect them too much to let them know about how I am. It would kill them. They have an idea. They know I have had the wild-streak in me since young and i think one of the reason they sent me abroad is to let it out of my system. I think I have now...but I think I want to live my life without the pressure of thinking of what I can and cant do. I want to live it in a manner that if I really wanna do it, I can do it. 

I am going back home in like 6months time probably.. not to settle hopefully but just to be with family for a bit. I went home for the christmas break after a year and a half - yes, it was a long time after. alot happened that year and hopefully when I do think about writing a book, it will be filled in about all of it. LOL. no but seriously. 

Ever felt like you were a distance member in your immediate family? I felt like that the whole time. I realised after a year and a half that I am literally the furthest away and I couldn't handle that thought. In that year and a half, I saw alot I needed to change about myself and then I went home and I saw that where my true identity lay..I was not even a proper part of it. 

My mum and sisters are so close to one another and they always were but I never felt that far apart from them til that point. I fought with my sisters and my mum cause I was angry, angry at myself for not losing them...not yet anyways and hopefully never.. but for not being there enough. I call them every 4 times in the week now cause of it. If there is anything I have stayed in U.K and realized is that family is soo important and no matter, what they believe in or how they choose to live their lives, they are the way they are and I can't change that. They are older than me, they have gone through their lives and figured out who they are and they are not going to change their mind, just cause a 21-year-old soon to be graduating from university is telling them otherwise. Nope. They will be stubborn and still dictate my life when I am with them and whenever they can. I don't blame them though, reflecting back to my antics of the last 2 years, I have not given them much to trust about me. 

I have lost my passport, gotten punched on the face, lost a couple of I-Phones, went missing for a few days, lived in a house with guys, missed an exam, called up crying when I broke up with my druggie boyfriend(they don't know that part).. but hey whose keeping score. I think I have done so much wrong before them, they arent even surprise when I do something more so wrong. They just expect me to screw up at some point.. 

I am shit scared to tell them about my recent exam results. FML. I studied hard this time. It was the stupid wedding.. not stupid. It was the best freaking 2 weeks of wedding fun I have ever had...but still it affected the time i should have been studying for. Not a reason I know. but omg. this is bad results. and moreso worse outcome yet to come. 

I am a massive disappointment to my parents...atleast I had shit loads of fun doing it. 


Til next time, 


Gabrille Aplin - Home (Mortiz Guhling Remix)

Monday, August 1, 2011

Another month, still a big ? on the next!

Its AUGUST! yay! Next month,InshAllah, i start my new life in A university i still cant enclose!

Dude.. its a big ?. can u believe it. a month left and no process on fees and visa! I am so screwed.!
I miss the ease of being a kid and being oblivious to how hard the university process would be. Things seemed so much simpler when we were kids. A parent talking about money didnt mean much or how much it would affect yourself, a girl talking about her broken heart not knowing how bad her pain was cause u thought guys had coodies and the girl was crazy to go after one! HAhah.

I use to think differently. Since young, i was always crazy about guys. They were what i called my interest. I could never change that.. I have thought about being Lesbo.. not going to happen dude.. i am way overly boy crazy.

Moving on, I have been thinking about leaving home rigght? University. Big deal. Your kid is old enough to find her place in this scary place called the world. And I am excited, dont get me wrong, but... i am worried/scared. What if something happens to my family and i dont make it to them.? What if i miss out in the best parts? What if i dont survive on my home? What if i ruin my family reputation? what if leaving me on my own, i go out of bounds? what if i miss them too much? what if i hate it there? what if i need them around? I am feeling sick with worry. What if i fall horribly sick? I hate the worrrrryy! who will i turn to? my extended family members. Dude.. not at all. they will cause after of the questions listed above.
i am worried they will be tracking me while i am in university. 

MY FAMILY... i cant wait to leave but i dont want to go. but you cant have both! so i choose to leave with all the worry. Because i need to know who i am without them. I need to live. and nto worry about curfews and what they think about my friends. or about what will happen if their friends find me in a mall with guys! IMAGINE!haahahaha.. the talk. as it is.. i am known to be the worse of the daughters in the sense of not knowing my limits or so they say...but yet the most sweetest, native, respectable one! MY ASSS!!!

for now...



"Wont go quietly"-example

Friday, June 3, 2011

Strong and Silent types

I threw a surprise for my friend and it was really fun. Including the fact that i didnt know anyone who were there except one. and that is also barely. The birthday girl was happy thou. So there were 4 couples there. Gay, uninterested ,interested and i-dont-know-whose-his-girlfriend couple! HAHAHAH. and then among them there was 5 singles. and like 1 guy who was. I realised i dont find guys who have girlfriends cute.  I tend to get over them quickly. This guy.. i THINK has a girlfriend somewhere.. he was on the phone texting most of the time. He is the kind that is silent..dont know whats going on in his head. and i am attracted to that for some reason. Is it me or these types are actually fun to be with? I mean thinking about it i have been attracted to those kinds. I like the guy tto be LOUD and open too .... its confusing no?
This guy was so uncomfortable when i sat down beside him.. I had to tell him to relax and question his sexuality. I even came out and told him he was cute. He relaxed but i feel the butterflies when  we look at each other. I am heck obvious when i like a guy. No point hiding it. and no point playing games. I just wont go upright and tell them.. Not cause i dont want to get rejected.. but cause some of them like the game of "whether she likes me or not". I try not to be too obvious.. but eh, so much i can do. 
OH.. and he has curly hair, big brown eyes. and he isnt hot or anything. but he is cute. in that baby way.
Or.. maybe it was cause i didnt know whether he liked me or not.HAHAH.. i am contradicting my words. But no.. I like the chase part and some guys do too but i make it clear when i like a guy. unless he is too insecure to figure it out for himself. or modest.

Oh well.. moving on. I didnt know anyone. So it was more of a social thing for me.  The thing is there were these 16 people in ONE group.. The whole big group effect. it looks awesome from the outside but as always there is some story inside. But i dont think i would mind the drama, just as long as i can be happy with 16 people getting along and enjoying a party. 
I loved being there. But these are my friend's group and i dont feel right even mixing with them later on. I know i think too much.. but lets see.. I HAVE NEVER WORKED OUT IN A GROUP.
The facts are all there. My high school friends... I hated what one of them did and people took side. we all may meet up once in a blue moon but we know whose closest to who. My college friends group.. SEM 1.. The fucker of a guy broke my heart and i broke the group apart as well as my high school friends group.. SEM 2.. The fucker of a guy was offensive to MY friend and i took a stand and told him he was being a rude asshole in front of everyone.. and i never hang out with his friends again. 

I am all bad luck in a group for sure. Never managed..So i rather be close to people from different groups...But i wish i could be in this group where its so big that not everyone is close but everyone is there for parties and surprises and fun. They played charades..I am not for that game but they made it fun. maybe cause it was such a huge group. 

Ways to stay in a group:

  1. Your love interest is not in it
  2. Dont get with anyone in the group
  3. Be close enough to have fun but not to expect anything
  4. Make sure ur best friends are in the group so u dont lose them and they know ur friends
  6. Learn to not be a bitch to anyone you dont like
  7. Be nice 
  8. Dont be a headache.. whine/cry all the time/ drunk... something they ALWAYS have to take care of..thats for ur best friends.
  9. Be open-minded.. u dont know whose in the group.
Besides that... I have no idea. 

But I narrowed down alot of it. May I find my group soulmates. ;)



Its been some time since i wrote. cause honestly for the past
few weeks i have been so full of things to do. i made a huge
decision for myself. i needed to make it but.. there is always a
but as always. I felt something. A different kind of happiness,
the risky kind, the kind that made me think whether it will be worth
all the trouble and i cant help but think it might have been.

But I cant. I always do this. I guess cause when i was younger, the
guy I liked never liked me. So now that I have any guy I want, i go
for it. I have to stop cause some of them are just a bad mistake. I
know Z.T wont be but I cant bring myself to give in. I have in over
my head that if i get with this guy, he will change me and I will
be hopelessly into him. I am not the sort that omg, i want to marry
him just cause i feel so much for him. But i am worried that i will
be so into him that i wont be able to get myself past him and into
my potential hushband. I know he wont be for sure. I am just another
chick for him. Another one in his long list of girls he liked and
wanted. I was happy with just holding hands with him. He was too, he
said. But i am sure he'd want more and i would never have given in.
cause i hear are ecohes of my sister's words and mistakes. Never give
in to what the guy wants if you really want him. Date him, be with him
but never physically. I had experience that first hand when i got kissed
for the first time with the guy i loved but never loved me back. I am not
willing to make the same mistakes again. I see the power couple in us, I
see how much we will like each other, and how much he would protect me,
how much he will try not to hurt me. But i have no idea why. I just dont
feel right about it.

Maybe cause i will never figure out who i am if i get with him. Cause I
will change in a way to make myself more for him. I know i can potential
do that. I hate being the kind of girl that pretends to be the girlfriend
and i was that that night when i told him its not going to happen. He was
sick and i cared. I cared more for him then i cared for my actual boyfriend
when he was sick. It didnt make sense. Complicated. and I need things to be
simple right now. I really do. I need to enjoy myself with friends and learn
about myself. Its me I need to focus on. I  need to learn my weakness and
greatness before I learn about someone else's. What better way to do that over
your nine months break from studies and people and blogging about it.?
I know he understand where i am coming from, I just hope he knows i was not
playing with him or messing about cause I really liked him. I mean seriously.
He made my checklist.

We went out early morning to a yet to opened mall and just walked around. Holding
hands. It was those unexplainable moments. seems stupid but it had so much to it.
I always wanted to hold hands in the mall and walk, dont know why. But never did
cause i was scared an aunty would see. HAHAHAHA. so we walked in an empty mall, early
morning. It wasnt planned. It just happened. That was the best part. I was so caught
up with my parents and getting out of the house. I totally forgot about thinking what
to talk about and do. We went with the flow.

But i know it will never be enough. Not for me and definitely not for him. And I hate
worrying about that. I hate it. So i just called quits. I know we had potential of
working out til whenever if i didnt have the pressure of my parents and this prison
i call home. He was looking for something serious as well. or so he said. I just love
being single. I realised after being in one relationship. I hate stressing about the
other one and myself with my parents. Its too much and i relapse into my worse habit.
Still i relapsed thou.

I didnt cry in front  of him. It hurt doing what i did. To let go of something so beyond.
I was happy with the decision i made but not of what i had to let go because of it.
He doesnt need to know that. I will only confuse him. I didnt want to show how weak
i was with this decision and i promised myself i wont cry. But of course, the stress
and the whole i dont want to cry cause me to relapse and now i cant stop.

I just want to be able to know my future so i know later on in my life i know this wasnt
a mistake, that i will know i will meet him or someone like him, that i know where i am

I am not saying i want to know where i am going, i want to know what i should do next?
I need to start my back up plan or not. So i can prepare my broken heart from my dream
university to that crappy thing. It will suck i know but it was what was written. I will
have to look at it that way. *sigh*

and my problem arent even proper problems. This stuff is easy. I know there are even worse



"Rolling in Deep"-Adele

One of those quotes that spoke to me:

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.
He's only a friend, and nothing else
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he's just a bud,
But deep inside, you're falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself it isn't right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretend that you don't care.
It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish...

Saturday, May 14, 2011

feminist or friends.

Where is the respect for girls that are friends.? How is it so hard these days that guys dont defense their just-girl-friends.? That when we walk on the street and some ass cat calls or start singing some cheap song, i dont see them giving those guys the eye let alone look pissed.  Indifference. But heck if you are their girlfriends, you cant even talk to your bloody guy friends. well, some of them dont like it. I am possessive best friends type. I get jealous of my best friend hanging with someone i dont like or dont mix well with but they get along with my best friend. So i am thinking that maybe i might be a possessive girlfriend. I guess i have never been in that situation. 

I hate the fact that guys just cant be alright with just keeping their opinions within themselves. I mean me and my guyfriends check girls out. I know thats degrading. but then we degrade the other sex too when girls check guys out.. so it evens out. 
I would never ask how they rate me. I dont want to know. 
Anyways, how can guys have in themselves to use a bad situation and make a rumor mill out of it when they are a girl's friends. All the girls friend. They ruined a friend's reputation to boost theirs. Thru false information. another word would be "extending the truth". 
its not that they are guys but cause they were friends of hers.
the world is out of gentlemen AND ladies.
I am not a lady. I am a feminist. i am soo after the equal rights that i make sure i go against what they want "ladies" to do. 


"Killer"- Dev

No effing clue

My friend, L is having these rumors. I guess its within reasons. She did somethings that she shouldn't have. Not in front of people she cant trust just yet. this world is judgmental no matter what race or religion u are. Its just how humans think. How society thinks. How one person thinks and changes the mind of others. I know. I have been influenced. I have come in terms with how i think. People think its immature but i know i have valid reason behind it. Even if i don't exactly what i want. Little things matter. My constant theories and my need to understand everything just right is just my way to deal with everything. People may call that cautions. It is. Cause everything i do, is being judged my not people around me but higher power. My parents, Allah, my future. 

I wish i would just be able to read about everyone's thoughts so i can learn how people think. Cause i know my theories are just theories. I know guys are all not the same. But i also know that  the effect of falling for one or any would be the same.  How it affect me will be the same. To be with someone i have been in like for what 9 months will mean so much more than the 3 to 4 months i would be if i were to be with them. I think of it as a way to hurt myself rather than not trusting them. I am being selfish. But maybe not. Maybe what any of them are thinking is just me as a chapter or an option not their story or a priority. While they might not end up being my book but i rather not have them as a chapter either. Cause how many more chapter will i have if i continue to take the risk.? The question may come up on how can i think that it wouldn't become something big. I will tell you. CAUSE NOTHING IS EVER THAT EASY! I have never had anything easy and i never will. So if i want my book to reach its perfect ending with the worthwhile chapters even if its too little pages and a cowardly act.. i am up for it. If the chapter is meant to come into my books, it will cross the worlds and come back to my story. For now, i rather tell the story thru my instinct. 

My friend and even me are going thru such a phrase that we want to try things. To experience everything. She is facing with her consequences now while i will face them later. I know it. What will my excuse be? I know my consequences will be bigger than a few rumors being spread and a ruined reputation. I have a feeling it will come in later in my life to haunt me. What will i say? that i was young and stupid. Heck, if i was stupid i wouldn't have already known this.That what i am doing is stupid. There wont be an excuse. I did it cause i wanted to. I want to make my mistakes so i learn from them. I cant live in fear from everything. I have to bare with some mistakes. I just dont wish to make them with guys.
I am efffing boy crazy. I am,. I was since i was a kid, I know that is the one fact i have known since i can remember!  My post is mostly about them cause they are a huge part. My family is not in these post cause i cant tell the world about other people's, especially my family's, lives. My friends are barelty their cause they are barely any of them left around me. The few i have are all guys and hence the post. I notice alot of things from them. its like observing another whole creature. 

I always thought guys didnt reply to texts that we send hours later cause they wanted us to wait like they waited for our text. and i always thought i was just paranoid.  But i am not. They really do it.

I will go home and type out about the issue that is bugging me. 


"Sofi needs a ladder"-Deadmau5

Sunday, May 8, 2011


if you dont know that DJ, you suck and excuse urself and jump into the closest river.
but eh, if u are sane then i doubt u dont even bother about DJs.
these DJ party is effing crazy.. people wear sunglass at night to come watch these DJ spin. ;)
he is amazing or so i say by how much my muscle is hurting until now..
I wanna go these kind of DJ and just dance. LED lights and loud beats thru out the night. He made my top clubbing experience.

People I want to see that i will not miss if the chance ever rises again

  1. David Guetta (obvious reasons)
  2. LMFAO
  3. PitBull
  4. Rihanna
Thats it so far. they all planned on or already came but i missed them due to some sad reason. 


"Strobe"- Deadmau5