Remembering the younger years

I am thinking about those days when i used to like one guy one week and another in the next week. and i wanted so badly then to like one guy cause i knew if that continued i would have difficulties when i am older. I liked 3 guys at one point. and now.. look where i am. i cant get over my one guy.! S.S.
He took more than my first kiss, he took my heart and everything i had to give back then. when my innocence was still intact. he was not a relationship, he just meant more than that.
i saw vision of my life with him and i loved it. i loved the idea of being with him, of having a life with him, of being around him.
we had these outings, during the month of ramadan, when he use to stay with his cousin and all night along we use to sit and just talk. I cant even remember about what! sometimes silence bestowed upon us and we just went along with it. it was quiet and so completely comfortable. i loved it. i loved the not awkward, no need to say anything to keep the silence away.   
my paranoia with him just disappeared. i wasnt worried about who might see us, on get caught sneaking out of the house to go to meet him. We were friends, but i wanted more. so much more. he made me want it. I let myself go with him. and with reasons. i didnt guard myself cause i never felt the pain he gave me when he left me stranded alone. the wonder of why. He was honest and yet it was not good enough.. cause when he broke me, he broke the part of trust i had in all of him and the guys i met later.
I got over this one relationship with V and instead of going over that relationship wrong doing and moments, i am going over one that was over a year ago and so many guy crushes later.
He changed me. i realize now only, maybe what i felt for him was love.  
Can u believe my first love didnt love me back? Did care enough even as a friend to not take the one thing i was saving for my first boyfriend? My first kiss. 
I was 16.. when i had so many chances to get the experience of kissing a guy.. i didnt try it. when all my friends were fun experiencing.. i saved it. i make it sound like it was my virginity. it was.. it was the beginning of the end of my innocence. my native self. i may sound childish and stupid. But i know what happened to me after that. I lost all my morals after he hurt me. My whole no-smoking policy. was thrown out of the window for a while.
and so many other things.
So i know..my virginity is for the one that cant run away. it will be lost after i get married. cause if i lose it now to the assholes the world holes, i will not be able to survive that heartbreak. atleast so i think.
i am strong. i went thru all the bullshit given to me. i will continue not showing it to people who has no reason to show to.


So this is where the post comes to Z.T.!
He is crazy. He has the craze of the chase and he thinks i am playing. i am not. i dont want to get with him..cause  all over. he is pain!
the same. S.S gave me.!
but he doesnt get it. i keep telling him.i bloody cried. he is not hurting like i am. i am not over this guy and i dont want to be reminded that i am not. i just want space and a mature age for him to date me. cause he aint serious. he is saying things that he knws i want to hear. and u know what..i dont trust him. not a word, not one bit. and i dont take it.
my heart wont let it.. and that is enough for me. if he does anything tomorrow. i am walking away.. and never looking back.
i just want to be his friend. cause i know i need one now. i need that support cause noone is here. noone for me..noone i love with all my heart rht i care for. i miss D.A.A. and A.K.J and my sisters. i just want to stop thinking about how to avoid Z.T.
cause i dont want to avoid.. i just want to be his friend..


so i miss the days.. when i didnt care bout hurting the guy i liked cause they never knew about it..and i never got hurt that they didnt like me cause i started liking another guy the next day!


life was easy and innocence was not laughed when we were 13.. its a wonder how just 5 years changed that.


xx
a.a


Bulletproof- La Roux
P.S:  the songs i give at the end..is currently what i feel.listen to the lyrics, i relate myself to those.

My kind of guy

So after a few days out and reading, i realized alot of what i want from my guy.

My dream guy who would only exist in the boundaries of my mind and heart. 

but before the list of what i want from him.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

• Curly hair
• Coloured eyes( Honey brown, Sea blue, Money Green, anything different from black and dark brown man)
• Perfect teeth
• Body that would make me go crazy when he takes off his shirt

PERSONALITY

• Sweet
• Adventurer
• Truthful
• Playful
• Funny
• Protective ( as much as i love being independent, i would want him to turn red when a guy whistles at me or turn green with envy when i talk to one guy whose history with me is too much for it to be a normal friendship)
• Social
• Not Dumb
• RIsk Taker
• Confident
• Slight cocky

THINGS HE SHOULD DO THAT WOULD MAKE ME MELT

• The first date is super unpredictable. Adventure filled.
• Since i have never had anything like a prom or a slow dance sort of thing, he takes me somewhere to make sure i experience it.
• Our first kiss should be far from a makeout, a peck on the lips to end a good date. Arms on my waist and mine around his neck...standing
• He understands my issues with my parents and avoid being inconsiderate and keep me from getting in trouble. 
• Does things to gain my full trust.
• Makes me dinner with desserts.
• Playful when kissing
• Hugs me from behind.
• Have the strength to pick me up!
• lets me do what i want. had enough restriction from my parents

i know.. i am a typical girl with a typical want for a guy

but i love those things.

if i find the guy.. and with much luck he is like i described, which is unlikely...

i would be crazzy to not have fallen for him.

For me, love means i would take a bullet for u and my life without u would be shit..

but my dream guy remains in my dreams while the guys out here havent even make the cut . not even close..

gives to show tthat my dream guy would never come.

x

a.a

eyes coloured green

 i want to bring about Z.T again. i don't know whether i am liking him or not. but today when he said that one of my school friends were hot. i couldn't take it. my heart swelled with envy and my eyes turned green. what the heck do i do now? He made me rethink everything. whether i really like him or he's just a friend whose attention i love more than any guy's attention.!
i am back from clubbing ( :O) hahaha. no. i don't drink. why associate clubbing with drinking people.? if u are decent, u would just be there to be surrounded by loud music and your feet moving! you don't need to drink, right?  The loud, floor vibrating, pounding music makes me high.
anyways.. i left zeeshan there with my friends cause i was to be home before my parents and i didn't tell them i was going.!
i went for dinner.. which i did.. but "forgot" to tell them what was happening later.!
i danced for less than an hour so don't bitch!
leaving that out. i just felt the jealousy rise again when i thought on how he would make a move on her. not her. not any on of them. I HATE IT. maybe that how he felt when i went with V.V, my ex! when he clearly told me he liked me.
oh well, karma is bound to bite back right?
so do i like him? or did i feel his attention would be diverted from me to them!??
urm... i need to sort out my feelings.. but u know what i cant understand is when V.V told me this girl is hot when we were in a relationship, i didnt care. Or when Z.T comments on all the other hot girls around college, i dont really care. I guess its just alot to do with the fact that its my friend from high school that he commented on.
let that be the reason..PLEASE LET IT BE THAT REASON!
i need to sort this out for sure.


x
a.a

But tonight hes loving me

I see Z.T motivation..
His need to get any girl he wants.Once he targets, he wants to be sure there will always something out of it.
I am now his friend. But he kept thinking that by all his right words and his ample straightforward- ness i was to fall for him. His saying that "he doesn't spend too much time with girls in the worry of of him falling.". Just randomly saying these kind of things when i had not asked of such an answer shows he's just fooling himself thinking i will fall for such crap.
I am his friend and i might has be a great one. I do too much to help out friends and my parents might me right, pakistani, heck any, guy will take it the wrong way. I bet you with all the help he thinks i am doing it cause i am in love with him. I help my friends that i like. I like him. I thought i might like him more than a friend but i prove myself wrong cause i didnt fall for him. I took him more as a friend. I think cause i just got my head on the fact that he is just good at being a friend and not more than that.
He is a really good friend, i wont deny anyone of that. His straightforward-ness rubs off on me in a good way. Its something that works with me. I enjoying having a truth telling friend!
But he flirts excessively and does not deny when people think we are dating. DUDE!
the person came and asked him..girlfriend? and i was like no! and he was like yea and put his arms around me. aiya. But its funny at times. But not when i am interested in this other guy and he sees me with him!
Main reason i wasnt asked out earlier by my ex was because of Z.T. My ex thought i liked Z.T!
The most annoying thing, i dont want to stop him from his flirtation. I guess i like the attention and i feel he wont want to be friends if he knows he will never get me if i told him off. 
So i drop slight hints, like when we went to his brother's place, OMG, his brother's roommate was soo cute and i said it..after that he kept quiet and just off. Maybe cause he didnt want to talk or do his usual humming or singing. 
What is wrong with these guys? They can go one looking at girls and i am not allowed to look at guys and see how god as blessed them with good looks? Whats the harm as long as i dont take my cuties and snog them?? 
And the song that i think suits Z.T, during the time he is flirting with me to other girl is...


xx
a.a

"Tonight (I'm loving you)"- Enrique Iglesias Ft. Ludacris 

The key to unlock everything.

There is so much of crap in this world i just dont want to deal with.
For example, knowing my chances to get into a university is low, but still wanting and hoping for it.
I hate this feeling. That once i got a chance to go somewhere, another hunch comes and loose it just like that. What point is there to fight what is already written in my life books.? What point is there thinking long and hard about what choice i should make when without even thinking about, my life will just lead me to that direction.?
I am upset if people cant see it. Not upset that makes me what to cry but one that makes me zone out in my world and drown myself in sleep and dreams and consume my free time with music and movies. My results just made me just a bit too upset, cause suddenly my oh so manny possibilities seems like barely seem nothing as i look into those results and what the university want from me. 
I have made a huge joke of what i was able to do. 
I am ranting about results when i almost lost my kidney and went thru my first real relationship breakup.!
But breakups never matter in my future plans. My almost losing my kidney only made me stronger and a better person to not do things that i did last year. 
Its more about what I want to do..see the world...when i get those results. it was that key to unlock that door to allow to see the world, instead of being stuck at home. Unable to go out and see the people i want to see.
I missing out on LMFAO or David Guetta or the crazy dancing time i could have had at anytime i want. I am not saying i want to get drunk and club everyday. I just want to be able to go to a club and dance my head off when i want to celebrate!
When i finished alevels, i zoned off with friends and slept early that night. Thinking i was going to zouk out those weeks after that, i didnt ask my parents if i could go clubbing in celebration along with other alevel classmates.
But when u dont get to dance of those celebration, weeks after that.. you tend to feel like shit. I never got to feel on top of the world when i finished alevels, not knowing my results and thinking i had so much look forward to. Now even if i wanted, i would not be able to celebrate me finishing, cause i am not happy with my bloody results.
For guys now, I went to my Ex- college. No doubt there are plenty of fishes in the sea. i got my eye on this one iranian one. He is cute. Thats about  i know about him. I just want to take me aside, know he cant speak english and get totally turned off and get over him!
Easy, u dont know english, no way to communicate with me, i have no reason to be interested. 


xx
a.a


"What the hell"-Arvil Lavign

an hour and 10 minutes til my future is before me.

30minutes to go.
i am at the edge of my bed, unable to sleep, unable to even think about it without freaking out.
emotions are highly on overdrive. With me,  everything is unexpected.No matter how good the paper went,it proves me wrong by showing a B or so. 
I am an overachiever and omg, when i dont get something i expected to or am utterly disappointed i am the worse person to be around. i sulk! and i sound like a spoiled brat. But i dont mean materialistic things but rather the things i really worked hard for... 
Change of topic.
My plans for the up coming months, is to stay single and happy with myself. I have seen the "grass is on the other  side" and i enjoyed parts of it. It was my first real relationship. :O  that will be the face on the aunties that know about me being in any relationship..continued with gossips. even more so if they knew he was indian. 
Anyways, with my luck with guys and all, i got over this one pretty fast. i guess cause i never actually put a 100%  into it incase i got hurt in the end and also when i finally did break up. i had this amazing flood of relief and the realization that i can flirt around with any guy friends of mine without feeling like i am unfaithful. Not that i did when i was with the guy. the thing is..
In a relationship with me, loyalty is something u dont have to worry about and jealousy is far from it cause i cut of all my guy friends. and i realized that is amazing stupid.! 
No matter that guys and girls cant be friends because of all the sexual tension, love and lust coming in between, a girl needs a guy friend. One that can make her see the insides of a  typical guy's brains.
It took me a bunch of years to realise just a year ago that guys go for the body rather than the face first.!
OMG. i just realised there is an additional hour gap between here and UK.!
argh..
so that makes it now. AN HOUR AND 5 MINUTES.
i am going to drive and get myself MCDs!
to calm the overpowering and "dramatic" nerves.!


xx
a.a

Black Sheep of the A.Family

My sister came back from where she settled down after her university. Gosh, the things she does sometimes pisses me off. She is the one i am the closest to and the one who puts ALOT of sense into me but hello, sometimes i feel she is more against me than with me. She makes makes my parents go against me.

With my family, they cant have a single conversation with me without me completely blowing it out of proportion due to me being utterly emotional. I am. More so when i am with my family cause what they say, i really listen to. I either start crying or screaming. The reasons are pretty much the same. They either degrade me, make me the black sleep, treat me like a child, criticizes, make me feel like a horrible person or just a dumb one.!

I realized my family can make me breakdown in everything they say. and noone else. My friends can say that top is not nice and i'd buy it. But when my sister says it, i just drop it. 

it's like i completely lose myself when it comes to my family. I cant think for myself. they can do it. They influence me alot. and i am a difficult person to get influence into shit. If i do it, i do it cause i want to not cause its cool, or u doing it. 

Today's argument. I was called a whore for wearing a top that showed my shoulders and arms.. "You should dress modestly". When i was going to wear a tight sleeveless top with tights! Okay.. so not Paki like dressing but of course, when will i ever understand.

I am super stubborn. i love to dress up.. if it were up to me. i would love to wear sun dresses up to my knees but of course..cant.! 

I havent reached my potential level of dressing and i want to go oversea to do just that. I want to go crazy wearing dresses everyday!

I dont go against my family.. i dont want to. I just want the freedom to wear and do what i want. I have my limits. i wont go wearing a mini shirt with a top showing my belly button! or a bikini.!

i'd just like to show a bit of legs and arms sometimes, when i find this tight amazing slightly sleeveless top.. thats it.! i am all for modest dressing, just not as modest as my sister is ALL the time. thats just a way to feel hot, as in sweating hot, half of the time!

My dream outfit.. anything that makes me look hot with boots. :)

xx

a.a

"Hold it against me" - Britney Spears ft David Guetta.